Sunday, 9 March 2008

Unclean

Sniffling, coughing, sneezing and shaking: I’m down with a cold. It’s why I’ve been quiet for the last few days. Although it’s a sickness of relatively minor proportions, it has joined forces with my general ‘feeling bad for myself’ and forced me to my bed. The only good to come of it is that I’m reading Arthur Conan-Doyle’s ‘The Lost World’, with half a dozen other books lined up after it. I’m working on ‘Eye of the Storm 2’ on Tuesday and Wednesday but hope to have something more interesting to tell you then.

I should have known the week would end up like this. I spent two days up in Manchester, a fascinating city that's undergoing something of a renaissance but is currently full of people coughing and sneezing.

It's always fascinating to go back and see how the city has changed and continues to change. Some of the new architecture is just stunning, though my day back up north was marred by a moment on my way home when we left the station and passed the university and the 'arnes Wallace Building'. Well, that's what the large sigh described it as. For the sake of a missing 'B', my visit to Manchester would have been full of good memories of some simply stunning design. Instead, I've been disappointed that people still don't cherish a man much after my own heart: a truly independent thinker whose garden shed gave birth to many of this country's most important weapons. I suppose it shocked me to see his name treated with so little respect. Wallace and I are men whose careers have followed very similar paths. Both considered a little eccentric, we have only been recognised as geniuses after years of hard work. Where he invented the bouncing bomb, I've got detailed designs for my so called 'jauntily skipping' bomb whose lethal cargo is delivered with a spring in the step. Barnes Wallace designed the Wellington bomber whereas my designs for the stealth bomber I like to call 'The Slipper' are locked away deep inside the Ministry of Defence. I came up with the idea when Judy kicked off her slippers after a particularly tiring day. We're talking about a weapons delivery system that puts it deadly cargo right beneath your nose before it goes off. Moreover, we've both been played by Michael Redgrave in film versions of our lives (respectively, in 'The Dambusters' [1955] and 'They Call Me Genius' [1982]).

Before I climb back into my sick bed, I just want to say a final thing about Vanessa Feltz. It's really quite regrettable that my previous post -- written at the height of mental exhaustion -- became an excuse for jokes about bald midgets. What were you thinking? Where the notion that two bald midgets resemble Vanessa Feltz's bosom comes from, I really don't know. In my experience, the two things have very little in common. For example, even the smallest and baldest of midgets has two nipples which is a 100% more than you'll find on your average breast. I suggest that you familiarise yourselves with either more breasts or more midgets.

13 comments:

okbye said...

I'm sorry you're sick but glad to see you back. Three days with no Madeley and I was having withdrawals. Yesterday I was reduced to whimpering in the corner while rubbing a copy of your jammies picture. It wasn't pretty.

Lola said...

So sorry to hear you're not well, which explains the unusual silence. Although the Storm 2 endeavours sound tough enough to keep you offline without the assistance of germs. Have you checked your Sphincter of Oddi? It might help to release some bile. And I should watch out for that okbye chap, he sounds dangerous.

bertas said...

Richard old chum did you miss me? :) I didnt miss you actually, saw you telly eating some gruesome thing on Friday... plus there was a huge cut out in WH Smith... wanted to take a picture with you (sort to speak) but I didnt want people looking at me strangely :) But I had marvelous time...
I do hope you will feel better soon :)

okbye said...

(looks down shirt. yep, still there) I am not a chap Lola. Besides Richard doesn't really exist, remember?

Anonymous said...

Lola's mum...mmmm

mutleythedog said...

I wondered if you were ill... I hope it is not a venereal infection as Judy is a woman of great sophistication and she does not deserve to be sent to the clap clinic. I am still worried about midgets... is there anyone we could ask amongst your showbiz friends?

Lola said...

Okbye, I apologise, I don't know what came over me. Anyway, Richard has made it clear that he does exist - it's my mum that's not convinced.

lady thinker said...

So sorry to hear you have my germ - did you catch it from me the other day ? I've had mine for 3 weeks and I think it is a bit better today - but I have friends been plagued with it for 6 weeks.
Get well soon.

Mrs McAvoy's Buzz said...

you crack me up :)

better rest up, I hear your headed to strictly??? need balls of steel and stamina for that!

letmerephrasethat.com said...

I feel your pain, Richard...I too have the same virus which is why my blog has been quiet of late.

I would, ordinarily, have filled the time with reading a book. In fact, I'll explain more about Stephen Fry and "WoW" in the blog post I'm about to write!

Mrs McAvoy's Buzz said...

You do realize midgit isn't a PC word...little people is the new name... although that doesn't quite work for Vanessa does it?

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