Monday, 15 October 2007

Mice or Mouses

It was the incessant noise of rodents eating their way through the rafters that finally broke my normally unbreakable spirit. Gnawing, scatching, scampering is bad enough but when I heard them engaging in foreplay, mating, and Christ only knows what else somewhere above my bed, I knew then that I’d be spending my weekend trying to trap the little buggers.

The sounds easier than it is. The house has been needing repairs for some time and there are now more holes for mice to wriggle through than you’d get in a World War 2 POW camp manned by nothing but Dickie Attenboroughs. Judy has been so busy out in the garden, recementing the patio, that she’s not had a moment to look into our problem. Clearly, I’d have to be shrewd in the way I approached the problem.

Poison may not be the most humane method of killing a critter but I thought it would be the easiest. The difficutly lay in getting them to eat it. We seem to have a superior mouse in the Madeley household and even the finest Hungarian goat cheese didn’t bring them to the table. By Saturday night, I’d got so desperate that I rang up Dr. Raj who agreed to come around and lend me a hand. He’s an expert in pretty much anything, and with two great minds on their tails, the mice would stand no chance.

Saturday night found us climbing up into the attic. I took out a whole elbow’s value of skin as I went but Dr. Raj insisted that he knew what he was doing. I keep all the old bric-a-brac from Good Morning up there and it was behind a large cardboard cut out of my head that we found the hole. Just as Dr. Raj had predicted, the mice were using the chimney to climb up from the basement. Dr. Raj put his hand on my arm and tapped the side of his nose.

‘I have just the solution to this particualr problem,’ he said in a breathless rush and opened his medical bag, which he carries with him at all times, and removed a small bottle and a piece of cheese. ‘This will kill them instantly,’ he said as he applied a few drops to the cheese and pushed it through the hole. ‘It’s a very powerful nerve drug. Lethal to mice. Come on,’ he said, snapping the bag shut. ‘Our work here is done.’

Well, there wasn’t a squeek out of the mice all Saturday night and into Sunday morning. Then, around three o’clock yesterday afternoon, I heard Judy scream and the sound of a body hitting the floor. At first, I didn’t bother myself too much. Judy is always screaming and usually fainting. I’ve known her to have a dizzy spell just because we’ve run out of butter.

I found her slowly coming around on the kitchen floor.

‘What the hell’s the matter?’ I asked. 'I saw a fresh block of butter in the fridge door only this morning.'

She waved a trembling hand towards the sink. ‘Look,’ she said.

With my mind on butter, I didn't expect to see a mouse in the bowl. It had become trapped. Not only was it trapped, but it was in a terribly agitated state. It would give a squeak and then run around the bowl and give another squeak towards the place it had been previously standing. It kept on doing this for as long as I watched it. Then Judy gave another scream and jumped up from where she’d been lying next to the dryer. Sure enough, behind the dryer, another mouse seemed to be holding a conversation with itself.

I grabbed the second mouse by its tail and stuck it down the garbage disposer unit along with the first. Not that it solved the problem, except by two insignificant mice with obvious psychological problems.

‘You’ve done it again!’ I told Dr. Raj when I got him on the phone two minutes later.

‘What’s the problem? Didn’t the drugs work?’

‘Work? I’ve got a house full of mice all suffering from multiple personality disorders,’ I screamed. ‘Technically, you’ve managed to double the number of mice in the house in a matter of hours.’

‘How odd,’ said the good Doctor, ‘but if this is now a psychological problem, then you know I can’t help you on a weekend. Ring my office first thing Monday morning. I’ll book the mice in for a few sessions.’

I told him what he could do with his sessions. A few thousand mice, each requiring a course of Dr. Raj's therepy, would cost more money than there is currently in the Bank of England. We’d have to start another phone quiz just to pay for it.

And that’s how things stand this Monday morning. We’ve got a house full of mice who think they’re also rats and who only knows what else? However, before I go off and ring for some professionals, I have a few mice facts for you. Did you know, for instance, that mice are some of the most psychologically fragile animals, followed by ferrets, turtles, and the tufted sand hopper? They eat ten times their own body weight in a single day but are very susceptable to criticism about their weight. They don’t always eat cheese since they prefer low fat alternatives. Mice are extremely good pets, though the government have issued new policies about their disposal. No longer is it advisable to flush them down the toilet when they die. Special pre-paid mailable boxes are now available free at vets and all dead pet mice should be sent to the government for correct disposal.

8 comments:

Debbie said...

Poison those nasty creatures. I hate them. In my life I've only had mice two times, out came those nice little poison boxes. I'm normally a non-violent woman, but not with mice.

Ordovicius said...

Im glad I found this blog. Hilarious!

politicalpop said...

The government's new dead pet mailing facility created to avoid childhood trauma has run into difficulties and has been suspended. EDS, the company whose software handles the service, inadvertently sent messages of condolence from Ed Balls, Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families, to the families of soldiers killed in Iraq.

Glamourpuss said...

You need a cat.

Puss

Trish said...

I have mice and rats as pets, so you can imagine this post was very upsetting to me. I'm not an animal rights nut. I grew up in a rural area, had a cat named Dusty as a best friend as a child, and even saw him hunt many times so I am not saying killing mice is wrong under all circumstances. But now that I'm older and have come to know them as intelligent and fascinating and complex creatures,....yes, it's very upsetting.

Richard Madeley said...

Debbie, you're so callous, it appalls me. How could you be so cruel and ignore the deep spirit of kindness you find on this blog.

Ordovicious, so glad you like it. Would you available to come on the show to discuss the best type of toilet duck?

Politial pop, damn that government, though I've had emails from people asking me why they had letters telling them that their mouse died on the Iranian border.

Glamourpuss, oh, I can spot an offer when I see one. I don't think Judy would be pleased.

Trish, I wouldn't want to upset. Can I just assure you that no mice were harmed in the writing of this blog? And I have agreed to pay for all the mice to have therapy with Dr. Raj.

uhfdf said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,