Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Breaking News: Blogging Sensation Missy M Calls for Immediate Extermination of Richard Madeley

Tears were streaming down Judy’s face. I put a consoling arm around her shoulder.

‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘This is for the best.’

‘But why did she have to say such a cruel thing? Doesn’t she know what you’re like? Surely she knew that you’d immediately go out and try it.’

I couldn’t deny that she was right. When Missy M left a comment on my blog and mentioned that I’d have to be dead before I’d be recognised as a great blogger, I could see there was only one thing I could do. I’d brought the step ladders up from the basement and found a good strong length of hemp rope in the garage. I’d been busily setting these up in the hallway when Judy came back from the hairdressers.

‘What are you doing, Richard?’ she asked.

‘Hanging myself,’ I replied, busy with the noose.

She laughed, I think expecting me to finish the joke. Only this was no joke. I explained about Missy M’s comment and the reasons why I thought it best not to go on with my life.

‘I’m cashing in now while my credit’s still good,’ I explained. ‘These Stephen Fry episodes might never be bettered. I think I’ve reached the peak of my creativity. I better end it all now.’

‘But what about the show?’ asked Judy, obviously thinking about herself.

‘You an always get David Dickinson,’ I said. ‘You know you’ve been itching to get him on the sofa. It’s be the Judy & David show from now on. And people will be left to remember me as the blogger who put Proust to shame with his productivity.’

‘Proust? You’re not setting yourself any high goals.’

‘And why should I? That business with Stephen Fry has taught me well.’

‘Oh, that reminds me. Has he woken up yet?’

‘Still sleeping,’ I said, getting back to the job of putting thirteen twists in the noose. ‘To be honest, Jude, that’s why I’m thinking of doing myself in now. Before he wakes up.’

‘You’re still worried where he’s going to stick that hat?’ She nodded. ‘I understand. Perhaps you want some help kicking the step ladders away.’

I climbed down and looked at the old girl. She was taking it a bit too lightly.

‘You don’t think I’m going to do this, do you?’ I asked.

‘Oh, of course I don’t.’

‘But I am.’

‘You’re not.’

‘I am,’ I said and as if to prove the point I hung the noose around my neck. ‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘This is for the best.’ That's when Judy started to cry.

I was just about to began the slow walk up the stepladders when I heard the sound of somebody whistling Wagner. That's when Stephen Fry emerged from the back of the house.

‘My, my,’ he said. ‘I seem to have intruded on a rightly odd moment of married bliss. Hanging yourself again, Richard? Thought you’d given that up with the vasectomy.’

I explained to him about Missy M’s message and he listened with unusual good humour for a man who had earlier threatened to give me a rectal examination via my old ocelot hat.

‘Oh you silly thing,’ said Stephen. ‘Take that blessed noose from your neck and consider no more this idle speculation about your greatness. You are great now, Dicky. You are greater, almost but not actually, than I. Think no more about your readers. Know only that I read you.’

‘I thought you were going to give him his hat back,’ said Judy, wiping away the tears. ‘I thought you were angry with him.’

‘A sleep perchance to dream, ay there’s the rub,’ said Stephen, cryptically. ‘No, my temper has waned and I feel better off without those silly Americans. I fancy something to eat. You don’t mind if I use your kitchen. Shall I make omelettes for three.’

‘Cheese omelettes?’ I asked.

He patted me on my shoulder. ‘The sweetest cheese omelettes you’ll taste on this side of a knotted piece of rope and a stepladder.’

6 comments:

elberry said...

Although you could kill yourself and then come back from the dead, like that man, you know, in that film.

'waned' not 'wained', by the way. Sort your language out, Madeley.

Richard Madeley said...

Thank you Mr. Elberry. That teaches me never to again type straight into the Blogger window. I tend to make the odd mistake when I try to type such traumatic events up so quickly, a mere twenty minutes after Missy M's comment and my suicide attempt. I blame Stephen's excellent omelette, though it left me a might gasious.

Misssy M said...

But...but..I didn't mean...oh bugger. Yet another dead celebrity on my conscience. That's all I bloody need!

Richard Madeley said...

Misssy M, alas it's too late. But let this be a warning to you about speaking before you think.

uhfdf said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,