Thursday, 8 May 2008

In Which I 'Cop A Feel' Outside Picadilly Station

I would like to publically apologise to the woman sitting by the window on the express into Manchester this morning. I didn’t mean to grope her leg. It just happened.

The problem was that I’d been wedged into my seat by an impatient passenger who wouldn’t let me get to my bag when I sat down. As soon as I was in my seat, I was forced to drag my bag beneath the table and, from there, extract my James Wood book. In the process of searching for the zip, I inadvertently ‘copped a feel’ of the woman sitting opposite me. Not that it was much of a ‘feel’. It was more of a slight brush against her shin. The look she gave me was pure disgust and I must have winced as I awaited a face full of pepper spray. As it was, I turned a shade of red that was off the David Dickinson scale and mumbled my apology. I was then forced to stay on the train until the end of the line lest getting off (not the best phrase in the circumstance) at my normal stop would involve more groping beneath the table.

But that’s the sort of week I’ve been having. Yesterday it was pots and paddles. Today it’s a minor sexual assault. I really worry what tomorrow will bring.

12 comments:

Selena Dreamy said...

“As soon as I was in my seat, I was forced to drag my bag beneath the table

Is that the same carrier bag Judy was last seen staring at over her cup of cocoa?

That would explain everything...

elberry said...

In these situations you just have to brazen it out: if she's hot, give her a slow lingering look as if she has deliberately put her leg in your way, and you're considering the matter. If she's not hot, give her a look, then shrug as if to say, 'not interested, love, put it away.'

lee said...

Yeah, sure it was an accident.Do you really expect anyone reading to actually believe that? ;).

sir twitchalot said...

Did you happen to notice if she was wearing red stillettos & suspenders as you were copping a feel of her ankles Dick?

Swearing Mother said...

Are you sure she didn't force her leg onto your hand, Richard?

You know what these long train journeys can be like. I wonder she didn't invite you to the buffet car for a little light tiffin.

mutleythedog said...

I gave the same excuse at my last trial but the judge didn't buy it. Bastard.

Thomas the Wage Mule said...

You ever want a coffee in Manchester, you should give me a call. I also work in Manchester and would happily swap jobs with you.

Richard Madeley said...

Selena, so good to see you're back. I suspect you're being facetious. No, it wasn't the same bag. It could never have fitted under the table after I'd finished filling it.

Elberry, I prefer not to comment. I'll just say that the leg felt just a little wooden and there might have been a brass kneecap.

Lee, an accident. I wouldn't even touch Judy's leg without a proper invitation.

Sir Twitchalot, like I said. It felt a little wooden. Of course, I'm sure that wouldn't have stopped you.

Swearing Mother, you might have something. It might well have been her leg coming into contact with my hand. I will have to sue!

Mutley, I think it was the 43 other offenses that probably convinced the jury.

Thomas, it's so nice of you to invite me. I'll have to consult my agent. As for swapping jobs, do you really think you have it in you to work on 'Eye of the Storm 4'? What do you know about sleet?

sir twitchalot said...

Dick, are you insinuating that I am not to choosy when it comes to the fairer sex? How very dare you. The reason for asking about the red stillettos & suspenders is because I believe I might have copped a feel of the same lady outside Picadilly. If she is one & the same then I think your winning streak has begun because she charged me £40 for the same pleasure.

mutleythedog said...

I am sure he was in my masonic lodge though... would Judy be up for a porking one night?

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