Saturday, 17 May 2008

Herring Nipples

While Judy hogs the living room and watches the FA Cup final with Dame Shirley Bassey, I’m spending my afternoon here in my office, catching up with blog business, buffing my elbows, clipping nostril hair, and generally doing that important spot of grooming I’ve put off for so long. One of the problems with the Madeley gene is that the males of the line have the quickest growing nose hair to ever grace a chin. Judy has often suggested that we turn it into high quality matting that I might sell via this blog. It’s a fine idea except I can’t promise a supply a single shade of fibre. An everlasting ‘Welcome Home’ mat is one thing but would you really buy one that’s got flecks of grey in it?

I don’t know why I’m asking you this except I want to also take this opportunity to clear up any outstanding business on this blog. I have a love/hate relationship with my statistics, as indeed, I have with reality, and my posts recently dried up while I came to grips with my new job in Manchester. I even stopped looking to see how many people continued to visit me and never had chance to see who has linked to me, included me in their memes, or generally badmouthing the finest looking man in an electric-violet cummerbund.

First of all to Elberry, who really moved me with his post, ‘The Knights of Madeley’. The thought of being sponsored by my readers touches me deeper than my expert Korean masseur, Hwan Long Finger. However, I’m not a man to take charity. I just ask you to gather at Trafalgar Square next Friday at noon and march on the offices of Random House or Macmillan. I’ve got a firm undertaking from Selena Dreamy that she’ll do the dance of the seven veils before any publishing executive or literary agent willing to put me on their books. (And I would like to take this opportunity of publicly thanking Selena for this kind gesture and for filling in after Vanessa Feltz slipped dropped out during rehearsals. I’d also like to thank The Twitch for handling that situation so well.)

Speaking of heavy matters, I’d like to thank the people at the BBC’s College of Comedy competition for their gracious response to the ten pages of sitcom I submitted to them last month. By not contacting me, they have chosen to preserve my dignity and respect my privacy. I’d like to also thank them for not dragging me into London for the final round of interviews, nor loading my schedule with the onerous duty, as winner, of having to write them a complete sitcom. My loss will ensure that the BBC’s next generation of sitcoms will be of the same standard as the last. Hurrah!

Finally, I would like to send my thanks to 'Maureen Chlorine' for the admirable attempt to render my handsome profile in finger paints but I wonder if she really needed to include my plastic bag in the same picture.

Onto meme business: I’ve been listed in a meme on Monscooch, where I’ve been asked to describe myself in six words. Hard to do. Do they want the ‘real’ Richard or the public Richard? I think I’ll cheat and give them both. So, the public Richard is:

Brash
Bouncy
Affluent
Fertile
Tanned
Gregarious

As for the private Richard, you might say that he’s almost a totally different man. The Richard you get to see on this blog is:

Complicated
Optimistic
Moody
Gullible
Generous
Nige

Which leads me on to Nige’s brief-but-much-appreciated post, to which I was forced to add my own three replies. The problem of being both Nige and myself, writing two blogs a day, is that I sometimes get a little confused as to which persona I’m inhabiting. Am I the wren loving twitcher with a love of English poets or am I Nige? Only time will tell.

Finally, I must mention search terms. It’s always a pleasure to look to see what people have put into Google. Not having examined my statistics in months, I have missed some real gems. The following three caught my attention:

‘Herring nipples’

What more can I say about my favourite brine-flavoured snack? They’re the juicy North Sea chews that you can tickle in your pocket.

‘What’s wrong with Richard Madeley’s left knee?’

I sprained it when I fell over after ogling a mime. It is still giving me a little pain, though I’m glad to report that the last few days has finally seen a small improvement.

‘Who is Richard Madeley?’

A perfect moment to post the description of myself I wrote for my entry on Wikipedia:

Richard Madeley, TV host, writer, blogger, fertility god, and inventor, is the immensely popular and influential host of his own talk show on Channel 4. His wife, Judy, often appears as his special guest. Richard also writes a blog which is even more popular that his TV show. An estimated 4.5 million readers a month read about his adventures with celebrity friends Bill Oddie and Stephen Fry. He has been sued by ex-pat Tunisians, members of the deaf, blind, midget, and homeless societies, and David Dickinson, though he has settled out of court a record number of times. He is currently writing a epic poem based around the lives of his blogging friends.

9 comments:

Richard Havers said...

I find all this Bill Oddie stuff a bit Odd. Why would anybody mention him, let alone be friends with him?

Richard Madeley said...

Dear Richard: had you ever sat in the man’s presence, you would know that he has an aroma that calms the nerves, stiffens the sinews, and reminds you of those fine post-war days of bright summers when we’d play in the wreckage of crashed Messerschmitts. I don’t know about you but I do like to have my sinews stiffened once in a while and Bill is the man to do it. In addition to which, if you put him in pastoral environment, he talks in rhymed couplets and can sing the song of the moor hen. He is, in other words, the ideal companion for a summer’s day or a winter’s night.

I’m happy to lend him to you, so you might begin to understand what’s good about Oddie. Just send me a postage address and be sure to leave somebody in the house on Tuesday morning.

Selena Dreamy said...

“I’ve got a firm undertaking from Selena that she’ll do the dance of the seven veils...”

If only you could hear the music I will be dancing to....

Richard Madeley said...

Oh, Selena. I has assumed that you'd be dancing to the theme music to 'The Richard&Judy Show'. I had that agreement in place with Vanessa, so I naturally assumed that since you'd agreed to take over from her, the other arrangements would stay the same... Does this also mean you won't be doing the trick with the jar of pickles?

elberry said...

Bad but of course not unexpected news about the BBC competition. They probably just shred all the entries without reading them.

Richard Havers said...

Now I'm off to Edinburgh on Tuesday to meet a publisher (why do I ut myself through this?) and I wouldn't want Mrs H to be alarmed if the Oddball turned up. She thinks he's weird....

p.s. IUs that eric Pickles Selena's supposed to be dancing with?

Richard Madeley said...

Elberry, I'll keep assuring myself that they don't look at the submissions because to think otherwise is to assume that my script just wasn't funny enough.

Richard, could you press that knife a little deeper into my heart? How can meeting a publisher be a burden? I'd crawl there on my knees, all 500 mile, carrying my wife on my back just for an interview.

And no, Selena's not doing a trick with Eric Pickles. Not unless he now comes in a jar.

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