Still No Tits

I always said that the media can be as cruel as the natural world. I now find myself saying that the natural world can be as cruel as the media.

My latest broadcasting venture it’s clearly heading the way of our old show on Watch. I mean, of course, The Official Richard Madeley Appreciation Society Bird-Box Cam. We’re currently broadcasting the second episode of Season 1 and the guest list is worse than the days when we worked out of Liverpool’s docks. Not a single tit has stuck its beak in the box and, as I type this, Judy is standing in the garden making dark threats to every passing chaffinch.

Her latest suggestion is that we market the box as the antidote to celebrity culture. After all, there’s something remarkable Zen about staring at an empty bird box. I’m not so sure about that plan, though I still hope to lure Fred Talbot into the garden and I’ve been draping brightly knitted woollens on the bird feeder every morning.

So all I can say is: stay tuned! This bird box is prime real estate and if it doesn’t get a nesting pair of tits within the month, I’ll make the hole bigger and try to attract a couple of first time buyers happy to find a place to live inside London for less than a grand a week.