Tuesday, 16 September 2008

How To Beat The Recession: A Millionaire’s Guide

It has come to my attention that many of you are already feeling the pinch and that even those of you who haven’t already rented out your holiday cottages in Cornwall still have a few concerns about the looming recession. Just the other day, Judy scooped a single spoonful of caviar onto her Ritz cracker, causing me to enquire as to her state of mind. ‘Enjoying the credit crunch,’ was her witty reply as she placed cracker against denture and gave the thing a bite.

And there we have it. With the current financial instability hitting hard so close to home, I realised it was worth a few moments of my time to commit my thoughts to paper. There are some of you that haven’t lived through a recession. You don’t remember the fun we all had in the early eighties and you’re probably wondering how you’ll cope. Should you put your money in gold or begin to stuff hard currency beneath your mattress? Is Bill Oddie an investable commodity and is Nige’s plan to milk butterflies really a viable business plan? Is the market ready for real butterfly butter?

The Madeley Line is to sit tight. In any situation, where the poor are to be made poorer, there are always investment opportunities. There’s a down side and an upside to every ‘market readjustment’. People had some tough times in the eighties but they emerged with ‘This Morning’ and a fresh faced couple talking testicular examinations at half-past ten from a weekday morning sofa. You simply have to look at it from the right angle, as you have to look at testicles from the right angle. We might all enjoying receiving gifts at Christmas but we must not forget that we also get Cliff Richard's latest chart hit. We must take the rough with the smooth and, though his testicles be smooth, I can assure you that there’s nothing as rough as Cliff at Christmas.

It’s why I say: invest in the people industries. White slavery is popular in any bear market but if you can find a stockbroker willing to take investments in bears, that’s even better. When people are stuffing hard currency beneath their Deluxe Slumberlands, a bear in the house affords additional security. Guests might ask if the bear still shits in the woods but you can reply: not when he shits behind the curtains. And what a surprise that is to any would-be burglar coming in through the French windows. Consider this a Madeley Top Bear Tip: bears are an excellent investment opportunity. And if you can stick a tap into their glands, you’ll be made for life. I swear by the stuff and rub it on my sore knee nightly.

When the markets are squeezed, Judy likes to buy penny shares. When my knee is squeeze, I want to spend a penny but I’ll also be your friend for life. Yet in a economic slowdown, I’m a man who likes to put my money in the established industries. If you can live with your conscience, weapons manufacturers are a safe bet at times of world doubt. Many of the world’s biggest recessions have been solved with a war on a global scale and those of you with funds in artillery and air launched missiles will be sure to profit. Some will say 'war profiteering' but I say good financial sense as passed onto me by Gordon Burns. When I advised Felicity Kendal to invest in munitions, people said I was crazy but look at Felicity now.

I’ll leave you with a final tip for those of you who might be on a budget. If you do find yourself down to your last million in the bank: don’t panic. A million can last at least a year if wisely spent, six months if you're married to a woman with a passion for miniature ponies. Either way, you’ll still be able to see off this blip in the economy from you chalet on a Swiss slope. If things get really bad, change you holiday plans. Third world nations are affordable, usually warm all the year around, and will welcome your hard currency. Judy and I often enjoy the pleasures of South America where on money goes further and there’s no midget pony you can’t buy with a Yankee dollar.

And, if all things fail, just remember the Madeley saying: it’s pink if it’s healthy but don’t touch it is it’s Guatemalan and smells of turps.


Barbara said...

Now if you could just tell me how to get the million to begin with I'd be set.

p.s. you must let us know if you actually get any hits on the tag "Cliff Richard's testicles".

Dick Madeley said...

Barbara, the first million is the hardest. But I make you this promise: as soon as Cliff Richard's testicles get a hit, I'll give you a call.

The Spine said...

Dick, you sometimes make so much sense that it's frightening.

The Twitch said...

Dick ,when are you going to pay me back the fiver I lent you?

Dick Madeley said...

Twitch, I've bloody well told you that you'll get the fiver. Now stop asking. I'm just waiting for certain annuities to accrue and for my stocks in XL Airlines to mature.

(Good to see you back, by the way.)

James Higham said...

A million can last at least a year if wisely spent, six months if you're married to a woman with a passion for miniature ponies.

Yes but if she's horsy, then that will cost for boots, comfy-saddles and so on.

Anonymous said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

Anonymous said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,