Tuesday, 16 September 2008

How To Beat The Recession: A Millionaire’s Guide

It has come to my attention that many of you are already feeling the pinch and that even those of you who haven’t already rented out your holiday cottages in Cornwall still have a few concerns about the looming recession. Just the other day, Judy scooped a single spoonful of caviar onto her Ritz cracker, causing me to enquire as to her state of mind. ‘Enjoying the credit crunch,’ was her witty reply as she placed cracker against denture and gave the thing a bite.

And there we have it. With the current financial instability hitting hard so close to home, I realised it was worth a few moments of my time to commit my thoughts to paper. There are some of you that haven’t lived through a recession. You don’t remember the fun we all had in the early eighties and you’re probably wondering how you’ll cope. Should you put your money in gold or begin to stuff hard currency beneath your mattress? Is Bill Oddie an investable commodity and is Nige’s plan to milk butterflies really a viable business plan? Is the market ready for real butterfly butter?

The Madeley Line is to sit tight. In any situation, where the poor are to be made poorer, there are always investment opportunities. There’s a down side and an upside to every ‘market readjustment’. People had some tough times in the eighties but they emerged with ‘This Morning’ and a fresh faced couple talking testicular examinations at half-past ten from a weekday morning sofa. You simply have to look at it from the right angle, as you have to look at testicles from the right angle. We might all enjoying receiving gifts at Christmas but we must not forget that we also get Cliff Richard's latest chart hit. We must take the rough with the smooth and, though his testicles be smooth, I can assure you that there’s nothing as rough as Cliff at Christmas.

It’s why I say: invest in the people industries. White slavery is popular in any bear market but if you can find a stockbroker willing to take investments in bears, that’s even better. When people are stuffing hard currency beneath their Deluxe Slumberlands, a bear in the house affords additional security. Guests might ask if the bear still shits in the woods but you can reply: not when he shits behind the curtains. And what a surprise that is to any would-be burglar coming in through the French windows. Consider this a Madeley Top Bear Tip: bears are an excellent investment opportunity. And if you can stick a tap into their glands, you’ll be made for life. I swear by the stuff and rub it on my sore knee nightly.

When the markets are squeezed, Judy likes to buy penny shares. When my knee is squeeze, I want to spend a penny but I’ll also be your friend for life. Yet in a economic slowdown, I’m a man who likes to put my money in the established industries. If you can live with your conscience, weapons manufacturers are a safe bet at times of world doubt. Many of the world’s biggest recessions have been solved with a war on a global scale and those of you with funds in artillery and air launched missiles will be sure to profit. Some will say 'war profiteering' but I say good financial sense as passed onto me by Gordon Burns. When I advised Felicity Kendal to invest in munitions, people said I was crazy but look at Felicity now.

I’ll leave you with a final tip for those of you who might be on a budget. If you do find yourself down to your last million in the bank: don’t panic. A million can last at least a year if wisely spent, six months if you're married to a woman with a passion for miniature ponies. Either way, you’ll still be able to see off this blip in the economy from you chalet on a Swiss slope. If things get really bad, change you holiday plans. Third world nations are affordable, usually warm all the year around, and will welcome your hard currency. Judy and I often enjoy the pleasures of South America where on money goes further and there’s no midget pony you can’t buy with a Yankee dollar.

And, if all things fail, just remember the Madeley saying: it’s pink if it’s healthy but don’t touch it is it’s Guatemalan and smells of turps.

8 comments:

Barbara said...

Now if you could just tell me how to get the million to begin with I'd be set.



p.s. you must let us know if you actually get any hits on the tag "Cliff Richard's testicles".

Dick Madeley said...

Barbara, the first million is the hardest. But I make you this promise: as soon as Cliff Richard's testicles get a hit, I'll give you a call.

The Spine said...

Dick, you sometimes make so much sense that it's frightening.

The Twitch said...

Dick ,when are you going to pay me back the fiver I lent you?

Dick Madeley said...

Twitch, I've bloody well told you that you'll get the fiver. Now stop asking. I'm just waiting for certain annuities to accrue and for my stocks in XL Airlines to mature.

(Good to see you back, by the way.)

James Higham said...

A million can last at least a year if wisely spent, six months if you're married to a woman with a passion for miniature ponies.

Yes but if she's horsy, then that will cost for boots, comfy-saddles and so on.

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