Monday, 7 April 2008

Amateur Hour

Bill Oddie advised me to ignore it and mention owls instead. Stephen Fry sniffed a scornful nostril of huff at the very thought of humbling oneself before the people at the Beeb. Judy just looked nervously around the room and then whispered ‘do they need to know?’ It is a good question but one I’m still struggling to answer.

It’s my ‘writing CV’, you see. I don’t have one. Having spent most of my career in front of the cameras, I haven’t enough writing credits to my name. I started to jot down my résumé at one minute past two and finished thirty seven seconds later when I couldn't decide if making a plumb tart with Antony Worrall Thompson live on ITV counted as a ‘professional production’. The fact that I’m now ready to send my competition entry to the BBC’s 'College of Comedy' means nothing if I don’t have a CV.

As you know, the irony of this is that I am Mr. Comedy. I’ve starred in more funny YouTube videos than any other living man except for David Hasselhoff. My impression of Ali G is in the Comedy Hall of Fame. I’ve also studied comedy, theorised comedy and I’ve interviewed many of the greatest comedians, including Lenny Henry, Les Dennis, and John Leslie. I’ve also written 190,000 words on this blog in addition to screenplays, sitcoms, novels, short stories, and poems. And I still maintain the seriousness of my intention to get my ‘Epistle to Jeremy Paxman on the Stat of His Sock Drawer’ included in the next Oxford Book of Comic Verse.

I’m now at the stage where I wonder if I shouldn’t be as creative with my CV as I have been with my script. I was thinking of something along the lines of: ‘at a recent performance of my slapstick routine in Manchester, I was widely applauded, with more people laughing at my antics more than those of the professional mime artist who shared my billing.’ By which you know that I mean to say: I recently fell over in the middle of the street, much to the amusement of Manchester’s shoppers.

Speaking of which, I find myself with a few days before I head back up to that fine city. Having finished proofreading the script to ‘Eye of the Storm 2’ last week, on Thursday I begin work on ‘Eye of the Storm 3’. We will be introducing a whole new range of climatic conditions to the show as we explore gusts and gales. However, before I fall silent, I wanted to say thanks to the people who have written to me lately. I’ve had some very generous responses to my friend’s problems regarding his publisher. Nothing has yet come of it and nothing might ever come of it. However, it’s always reassuring to know that there are people out there willing to help the friend of a multimillionaire television presenter. You all have my thanks and need only ask if there’s anything I can do for you.*

* This does not include: financial assistance, publishing deals, babysitting, lifts, proofreading, help with tax forms, catering, cups of sugar, borrowing my lawn mower, or any other yet-to-be-determined duties.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

speaking of comedians... have you seen this?

http://www.thisisnottingham.co.uk/displayNode.jsp?nodeId=244367&command=displayContent&sourceNode=244365&contentPK=20321477&folderPk=112383&pNodeId=188965

Richard Madeley said...

Anonymous, I've seen it now and I've left a note. How dare she! If more people thought of Judy and I in bed, the world would be a better place. Doesn't she know that we're the John and Yoko of the new millennium?

Richard Madeley said...

And here is a shorter link to the article. I suggest we all go over there and complain.

Anonymous said...

AHAHAHHAHAHAH John and Yoko!!! Really!

Oh was that your best shot? Come onnn... I dare you :P

But Ade has that charm.... there's no denying!
And Jennifer is simply gorgeous!

Richard Madeley said...

I know, Anonymous. It was pretty poor shot and I can only apologise. It's just that I've been polishing my script all day and I'n now a bit preoccupied with getting my CV finished.

Perhaps it's also that I'm really a Jennifer Saunders fan. However, I will make a note to write about bedtime in the Madeley household and I will address my complaint to Jennifer the next time I see her.

Joana said...

It's me, Anonymous (noticed I could add a name now... I really need to work on my attention span)

Oh apologies accepted. You were really a gentleman! And I am indeed a Jennifer fan aswell" It's good to know we have that in common. And I've read your blog and I find it quite interesting! I shall come back to read further entries.

And I can't wait for the bedtime note! A proper neo-john-and-yoko couple!
Just please don't grow a beard and stay in bed for a year.
The Show Must Go On!

bertas said...

:))
Glad to see you are feeling a bit more cheerful old chum... I'll send you an email a bit later on, I found something for you...
In regards to CV it is all about embellishment... I have a friend who works in HR training or something of the sort, the stuff she did with my CV honestly :) So if a professional says it is about that then yup by all means embellish :)

Richard Madeley said...

Joanna, so nice to put a name to your anonymity. But what do you mean: quite interesting? I'd prefer you to say 'riveting stuff'. You should go back to beginning and read everything I've written. I've not been on form lately. I was much chirpier in my youth.

Bertas, embellishment it is then, though, to be fair, it's not in my nature to boast.

Joana said...

I am so sorry for my lack of eloquency! Your blog is probably the best blog online!
We're all much chirpier as youngsters (I can't really justify that, I'm only 19... a mere child), but I must say your sense of humour and all-knowingness (if there is such a word) amazes me still.
No worries, the time when Sir Richard Madeley bows out is still to come!

A question:
Are you a fan of Mr. Edmondson aswell or only Mrs. Edmondson?

Richard Madeley said...

Joana (forgive my extra 'n' earlier), I'm a fan of Adrian too, though I think he's got much less range than his better half. There is only so much mileage to be got from hitting people over the head with a range of ironmongery.

I'm not a fan of The Vicar of Dibley, though. Nor am I smitten with Dawn French, but that could just be due to my belief that Lenny Henry is the comedy anti-Christ.

Joana said...

Absolutely forgiven for the extra 'n'. It's a common mistake, I don't even notice anymore...
I'm not from England, you see.

Aww it's a pity to know yo're not smitten with the lovely Dawn French! Althought I must agree (but not to the extreme of the anti-christ) about Lenny Henry.

Oh, and by the way, I did complain on the article. Just a little comment.

A friend of mine suggested you to give your personal views (or just read) on this forum (http://jsaunders.alexicon.org/forum/viewthread.php?tid=1406&page=2). I think it would be hilarious to have your say, so I thought I'd give it a go and show you the link. I'm sorry for her crazy thoughts though. She shall be smacked in the bottom for bothering you.

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