Wednesday, 20 October 2010

It's Competition Time

Greetings my friends, colleagues, and fellow adventurers in the world of cabaret! Stan Madeley here, sitting in for Uncle Dick who is currently away in France where he’s hunting truffles with his pet pig, Snouty.

Having the keys to his domain, I thought I’d do something a little different to keep this slumbering beast of a blog going. In fact, when he handed me this great responsibility, Dick’s last words to me were ‘have fun, keep out of trouble, and never mention that Michael MacIntyre has only slits for eyes’.

Frankly, I hadn’t noticed that Michael MacIntyre has only slits for eyes and, if I had, I certainly wouldn’t mention this fact on the internet. Who knows where such things might lead?

So, instead, I’ve decided to liven things up with a little audience participation. It always works at the Gormfield Old Folks home and I don’t see why it won’t work with you, men and women under ninety years of age and in full control of your bladders. I won’t ask you to wave your hands in the air as I play Vera Lynn classics on my harmonica but I will ask you to participate in a competition!

Yes, I said: we’re going to have a competition! You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

So, sorry… Slipped into my nursing-home mode for a moment…

I have a signed copy of my new book, Second-Class Male, sitting here on my lap and I’m willing to send it (the book, not my lap, though perhaps both if you’re lucky) to the person who can tell me the name of my favourite Norwegian fjord. That’s right: my favourite Norwegian fjord.

Just email me your answers at and the winner will be the first correct entry that my wife Sandra (54) retrieved from down my pair of oversized comedy trousers.

Closing date for the competition is Friday, 29th October and the draw will be held during our performance at the Wittling Cross Social Club on the following Saturday night. It should be an exciting evening as I’ll be attempting to become the first man to glue himself to a bassoon in the cause of light entertainment whilst attempting to advance rectal science.

Tickets are available at the door but please be advised: anybody sitting in the first three rows might be asked to assist in the case of a medical emergency.


Lola said...

There are a number of things that surprise me here:
1. A post popping up in my Reader from one I thought long dead
2. The subject of your competition (which could be a little more, well, Madeleyish. What about Judy's favourite fjord?)
3. The existence of a list of Norwegian fjords! Is there anything that the omniscient Wikipedia does not know? Where my husband has put his keys, for example, I bet there's a page somewhere with that information.

I shall be mailing my best guess imminently, and may gatecrash the Wittling Cross Social Night in my favourite disguise (a pregnant Davina McCall) to witness the prize draw. I'm sure to go unnoticed. My training as a healthcare professional and my young enthusiasm for woodwind instruments should stand me in good stead with bassoon-related incidents.

Uncle Stan Madeley said...

Ah, Lola! Uncle Dick is semi-retired from blogging and he has allowed me to take his place. I see myself as functioning in a purely supportive role, though 19 years on the British cabaret circuit would suggest that I'm a good deal more entertaining in a chisel-throwing based environment.

As for Judy, I can't possibly comment. My wife, Sandra (54), doesn't have a favourite fjord. In fact, she's quite indifferent to the whole of Norway.

Lists of fjords are a staple part of Wikipedia and I update it regularly as I discover new inlets.

Come along to the social night, and dressed as McCall if you wish. Wear the imitation tattoo on the back of your hand and I'll pick you out of the crowd when the moment comes to put the glue to my bassoon.

Simon said...

After your last rectal interlude, I hope that the ticket price includes plastic pac-a-macs a la Croydon Empire June, 2003?

People still talk about that night. The colon capacity of that Wallaby was beyond belief and your backing dancers with those multi-purpose waders are still talked about in hushed whispers at the 'Rat and Ferret'.

PS. Does Sandra still do the adult reflexology sessions? I have a nasty lump that requires manipulating.

PPS. Is the answer Anna?

Uncle Stan Madeley said...

Oh, how I miss that wallaby! It's good to know that people still talk about those happy carefree days when I could bounce around stage without caring about the animal rights lobby. Thank god I can do what I want with a bassoon, though I suppose there will be some killjoys who'll disapprove.

Sadly, Sandra (54) no longer practices the reflexology and abandoned it shortly after that business with your lump. She suggests that you seek medical help. Does it still hurt when you hit it with a mallet?