Sunday, 5 April 2009

Piers Morgan's Life Stories

When I agreed to be interviewed by Piers Morgan, I didn’t realise that I’d get the full hour-long treatment. Tonight’s show is as in-depth a profile about the Madeley phenomenon as you could ever hope to see, record to the Sky+ box, burn to recordable DVD, or have tattooed across your belly like some postmodern version of the Bayeux Tapestry. It also marks the beginning of twelve months of celebrations around the country ending, early next year, with the burning of effigies of Richard Hammond (or Madeley-lite, as Judy calls him) and then the unveiling of my statue in Trafalgar Square. My thighs cast twelve feel wide in bronze promise to become a new gathering point for tourists everywhere and, we hope, help stimulate this flagging economy if not your deepest longings as sexual beings.

On tonight’s show I also talk openly about my relationship with Judy, my charity work on behalf of the disappearing Norfolk chipmunk, and my long-standing feud with Jeremy Paxman over the correct pronunciation of the phrase ‘vulcanised rubber’. Piers reveals himself to be a sensitive interviewer and I open up more than I’d wanted to about my personal life, Judy’s screwdriver collection, and the tribulations of being the nation’s most potent example of the male gene.

I’ve seen the final edit of the show and, unfortunately, most of my two and a half-hour rant about Twitter, blogging, and rival internet personalities has been left out. Also missing is the first public announcement of my starring role in Charlie Kaufmann’s reworking of the David Lean classic ‘Brief Encounter’. I had spoken quite eloquently about how excited I am by the script, which transforms Celia Johnson’s role into that of Natasha Kaplinsky’s disembodied head which my character falls in love with as he carries it in a travel suitcase on a publicity trip to Manchester. However, Piers has, perhaps wisely, chosen to leave these moments out of a show which is more of a celebration of my past accomplishments rather than my impending rise to Hollywood, world celebrity, and Godhead.

So, if you want to catch up with the Richard Madeley omnibus, you’d be well advised to tune in tonight. 10PM. ITV. It will make you remember why your TV remote control has a button labelled ‘3’.

8 comments:

Simon said...

Although it is well past my normal bedtime for a Sunday (as you know, I like to retire early with a pot of goose grease), I shall stay up specially to watch.

I do hope that we get to see some examples of your body art.

* Note to self * Make sure the curtains are tightly drawn. I would hate the neighbours to catch me watching ITV.

Dick Madeley said...

I confess to feeling a little disappointed by the show and I'm troubled that it should have ruined your usual night with the goose grease. All the best stuff was cut out -- they didn't even leave a mention of my blog in there. I don't understand some people... All that talk about my looks and details about my private life.

Anonymous said...

I liked it best when you described the police being called to Tesco after the incident as being 'heavy' in fact quite a few things were 'heavy' during the interview, I think it shows how down with the kids you really are. I was also glad to see that your beautiful mane of hair had not be touched throughout the years.

mutleythedog said...

I saw your mention of this blog on "The One Show" - it is hard to see a hero like you deny responsibility for your own creation.... I could swear I heard a cock crow thrice...

Anonymous said...

I confess that I have come by this blog via the Sunday Times - well who would have thought it - very amusing. Must put it on my favourites. PS watched the Piers show - nothing original at all which was a shame and it just catered for the masses. Oh well.

Devonshire Dumpling said...

I saw you Richard! You looked wonderful and so handsome as usual. I'd forgive you anything!

Drolgerg said...

My wife watched it then deleted it before I could watch you myself. I haven't spoken to her since. Suspect there is a secret video buried deep in the catacombs under the sofa but have yet to find it. The search continues...

Anonymous said...

Stiff drink required as just have added to 'favourites'. Hope the IT department doesn't find out.