Monday, 9 June 2008

Richard Madeley’s Top 10 Things That Gnats Are Good For

I’m busy writing my memoir today (I’ll reach 20,000 words by the evening or my name’s not Madeley) so it's only a small update this afternoon, which, I suppose, is only fitting given that I want to answer the many people coming here wanting to know ‘what are gnats good for?’

It’s strange how my blog attracts sudden waves of visitors searching for the same thing. The ‘John Noakes riding naked’ epidemic has thankfully passed, though 'Vanessa Feltz's cleavage' seems to be a stayer. At the moment, however, Google is bringing me nothing but questions about ‘custard creams’ and ‘gnats’. Well, I’ve dealt with custard creams on many previous occasions and I think it’s only right that I turned my attention to the humble gnat.

So, I'm proud to present you with:

Richard Madeley’s Top 10 Things That Gnats Are Good For

1. Scrabble. I’ve annoyed Stephen Fry on many an occasion when I’ve used that odd ‘GN’ combination to get my ‘genuflect’ on a triple word score.

2. Gnats are nature’s irritants. If it weren’t for gnats, we’d pick on the Welsh.

3. If it weren’t for the gnats that get stuck to cyclists’ teeth, many vegetarians would get no meat in their diets. Being naturally low on carbohydrates, they are also an excellent addition to any low-carb diet. Eat nothing but gnats and I guarantee that you won't feel bloated in the morning.

4. ‘Gnats’ rhymes with ‘spats’ which means we have one of my favourite self-penned verses:

If a gnat wore spats
And a bowler hat
Would they let him dine
At Michael Caines?

5. Picking a gnat from your ear can be one of the most pleasurable things you can do with your little finger. The relief when you squash the little bugger against your eardrum is quite exquisite.

6. Gnats cheer me up when Judy holds one of her insufferable garden parties each summer. There’s much fun to be had watching Vanessa Feltz trying to swat gnats away from her blancmange.

7. Simon Cowell fears all gnats, which is why I always keep a bag of them in the glove compartment.

8. Gnats don’t eat caterpillars. Which means that we have Grizzled Skipper, the Green-veined White, the Painted Lady and the Greater Unspotted Nigel.

9. Gnats never voted for New Labour.

10. Gnats give talented TV types the chance to make exciting new documentaries such as ‘When Gnats Swarm! Narrated by Richard Madeley’.


Selena Dreamy said...

Gnats never voted for New Labour.

So the question of a gnat being elevated to a peerage or made solicitor-general will not, therefore, arise...?!

Richard Madeley said...

Selena, an excellent question. However, I think that will have nothing to do with a creature's gnattedness but rather the campaign contributions it manages to raise for Gordon.

The Twitch said...

It seems to me that the midget that slipped you a digit last Friday might have also slipped some substance into your drink judging by your recent posts.Can midgets piss drive a man insane?

Anonymous said...

i have done some investigating and discovered that midgets piss is a potent pychotropic containing mescalin. When mixed with drinks, especially shorts,it has been known to cause temporary insanity in well known T.V. presenters.

Richard Madeley said...

Twitch/Anonymous, I'm quite offended. To me this is all quite rational and I don't see why you suddenly think it madness. Can't you see the gnats, man?! Aren't you afraid?

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