Claire's Balding Nipples

Because of my ongoing struggle coping with sanity, commuting to Manchester, and the most recent unfortunate development with Clarkson and his facelift, I’ve not been giving proper attention to my blogging duties. It’s all well and good that I’ve written some lengthy posts recently but I recognise that many of you have neither the time nor the inclination to read them. You’re here for the cheap laughs and pictures of the smooth-jowled Clarkson. I know that. And knowing that, I thought you are probably missing the only part of this blog not written by me. I mean, of course, the Google Search Terms.

It seems like months since I last gazed on my stats, having decided that if I am going to blog, I’ll blog for my own amusement. Now that I look, however, I find that in the last month, there have been some genuinely disturbed people visiting this blog. Hats off to you, ladies and gentlemen. I couldn't have done better myself. I suggest you look no further than the first search term for proof.

“claire balding nipples”

I don't even know how to parse this, let alone answer it. Is there a woman called Claire who happens to have hairy nipples which are now balding? Is there an equivalent to an Afghan merkin for the nipple that’s going a little thin? Perhaps a form of nipple toupee? Alternatively, do they mean ‘Claire Balding’, she of the biceps and horses? That she has nipples is as certain as she's got a small Willie Carson. I’d even hazard a guess and say that they’re probably two in number. To say more, however, would be conjecture. If there are pictures, I really don’t want to see them. After all, she’s no Vanessa Feltz!

“Verses for birthday for your deceased mother”

This one struck me as odd. I don’t mean to be heartless about it, but I would think that verses written for somebody’s dead mother on her birthday will probably go unread. There are probably better things you can do with your time.

“Will gnats bother an African grey parrot?”

Now we get down to the serious business and why many people come here. They want to call on my expertise on most matters and my friendship with Oddie for anything I don’t know about our flighty feathered friends. Gnats will indeed bother African grey parrots. In turn, African grey parrots will bother the Peruvian Snow Gibbon, who have been known to pester the rare Arctic kangaroo which is now almost extinct in the Northern hemisphere due to many of them missing their footing while jumping between icebergs.

“Does prune juice act as stool softner?”

The old favourite and I again call on personal experience to answer this one. Yes, prune just does a fine job in softening stools. And speaking of which, the prune giveaway is proving a success but I’ve still got a sizable supply left. You need only send me postal address and you’ll get a signed tin of prunes ASAP.*

“Recipe for frog froth”

Dare I suggest: a frog and an electric whisk?

“Are pistachios combustible?”

Bloody good question. Pistachios are indeed combustible. In fact, Italian fighters during World War 2 would pack grenades with pistachios for use as a makeshift incendiary device. The so called ‘Pistatchio Partisans' were also famous for discovering that you could cripple a Tiger tank with a handful of beer nuts.

“Shaved head twitch”

I’ve not seen the Twitch around the blog latterly. Perhaps he has indeed shaved his head and we don’t recognise him.

“Sir Richard Madeley”

A little bit premature but certain bound to happen.

“Is Charlie Sheen circumsized?”

Circumcised? I should say he should be bloody castrated.

* Offer limited to the UK and only while stocks last. I reserve the right to change my mind about going to the post office should it be raining when I put my shoes on.