Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Claire's Balding Nipples

Because of my ongoing struggle coping with sanity, commuting to Manchester, and the most recent unfortunate development with Clarkson and his facelift, I’ve not been giving proper attention to my blogging duties. It’s all well and good that I’ve written some lengthy posts recently but I recognise that many of you have neither the time nor the inclination to read them. You’re here for the cheap laughs and pictures of the smooth-jowled Clarkson. I know that. And knowing that, I thought you are probably missing the only part of this blog not written by me. I mean, of course, the Google Search Terms.

It seems like months since I last gazed on my stats, having decided that if I am going to blog, I’ll blog for my own amusement. Now that I look, however, I find that in the last month, there have been some genuinely disturbed people visiting this blog. Hats off to you, ladies and gentlemen. I couldn't have done better myself. I suggest you look no further than the first search term for proof.

“claire balding nipples”

I don't even know how to parse this, let alone answer it. Is there a woman called Claire who happens to have hairy nipples which are now balding? Is there an equivalent to an Afghan merkin for the nipple that’s going a little thin? Perhaps a form of nipple toupee? Alternatively, do they mean ‘Claire Balding’, she of the biceps and horses? That she has nipples is as certain as she's got a small Willie Carson. I’d even hazard a guess and say that they’re probably two in number. To say more, however, would be conjecture. If there are pictures, I really don’t want to see them. After all, she’s no Vanessa Feltz!

“Verses for birthday for your deceased mother”

This one struck me as odd. I don’t mean to be heartless about it, but I would think that verses written for somebody’s dead mother on her birthday will probably go unread. There are probably better things you can do with your time.

“Will gnats bother an African grey parrot?”

Now we get down to the serious business and why many people come here. They want to call on my expertise on most matters and my friendship with Oddie for anything I don’t know about our flighty feathered friends. Gnats will indeed bother African grey parrots. In turn, African grey parrots will bother the Peruvian Snow Gibbon, who have been known to pester the rare Arctic kangaroo which is now almost extinct in the Northern hemisphere due to many of them missing their footing while jumping between icebergs.

“Does prune juice act as stool softner?”

The old favourite and I again call on personal experience to answer this one. Yes, prune just does a fine job in softening stools. And speaking of which, the prune giveaway is proving a success but I’ve still got a sizable supply left. You need only send me postal address and you’ll get a signed tin of prunes ASAP.*

“Recipe for frog froth”

Dare I suggest: a frog and an electric whisk?

Are pistachios combustible?

Bloody good question. Pistachios are indeed combustible. In fact, Italian fighters during World War 2 would pack grenades with pistachios for use as a makeshift incendiary device. The so called ‘Pistatchio Partisans' were also famous for discovering that you could cripple a Tiger tank with a handful of beer nuts.

“Shaved head twitch”

I’ve not seen the Twitch around the blog latterly. Perhaps he has indeed shaved his head and we don’t recognise him.

“Sir Richard Madeley”

A little bit premature but certain bound to happen.

“Is Charlie Sheen circumsized?”

Circumcised? I should say he should be bloody castrated.

* Offer limited to the UK and only while stocks last. I reserve the right to change my mind about going to the post office should it be raining when I put my shoes on.


Lola said...

Were you deliberately winding us up when you wrote that you weren't going to blog any more? Since that entry, you've come up with more quality stuff than in the previous month.

I think you should take a lesson in truthfulness from your friend Mr Fry. If he gets stage fright he goes to Belgium, he doesn't sign up to appear in ten more plays.

n.b. the captcha thing is getting scary again: this time it's 'jemyvg'

Richard Madeley said...

I know. On Friday I really did think I'd give it up. Then, over the weekend, I started to do things to amuse myself. I opened a new blog (which Blogger immediately suspended for some unknown reason) but by then, I had rediscovered why I write this blog. I do it to make myself smile.

I don't know if anybody reads the longer pieces I post but they're the things that give me the greatest pleasure. I'll be away at the end of the week, so I'll go quiet and I mustn't let my blog get in the way of my more focussed writing of my autobiography. However, I really do want to keep on with this blog. I was told recently by an agent that there's no book in it. Perhaps there isn't. I just know that I've been chirpier since I've been back writing it. It's also nice to get comments from people. I really miss that. Though I often don't have time to respond, there's nothing better than to see comments appearing in my inbox when I'm toiling away in the office in Manchester.

okbye said...

Punished once again for not being British! Fine, keep your smelly prunes. I'll be over here in the corner with my un-stimulated bowels.

I read the long posts, but I have a lot of spare time on my hands what with not having to waste any in the bathroom.

Richard Madeley said...

It's a question of postage. Do you know the cost of sending a can of prunes by air mail? I could dry them and iron them flat. I can't say they'd be that tasty but at least I could fit them in an envelope.

Not that this excuse helps your bowels. Nor does it explain why I should now feel so responsible for them. I'll search out some relaxing mantras or find some other method to help you relax. I might even launch an internet campaign to get your bowels moving again. I think it's the least I can do is create a button we can all put on our blogs.

(And I'm so glad to hear that you read the longer posts. It gets so lonely here without comments to keep me occupied when Judy goes out hunting war criminals with her friends in the local Women's Militia.)

Anonymous said...

Surely that is Sheena Easton in the photo? As for setting your nuts on fire - do not even consider it...