Mayday! Mayday!

The 1st of May and I’m dropping by to do a bit of spring cleaning. Judy is still hibernating and won’t emerge from her bed of dried leaves and navel fluff for another week or two. However, I’m here to take a scathing blade to my old blog roll and to otherwise clean up this mess. There are many things to talk about, not least the way that my dear darling wife managed to leap to the top spot in the bestseller charts.

If you've not read her novel yet, then I suggest you go out and buy it. I've not read it myself simply because my signed copy has still not arrived, but, as I understand it, the book tells the story of an SAS operation to Cornwall that goes terribly wrong when Ricardo Monsoon, the glamorous special operations captain who wears tight polyester pants in hazardous conditions, discovers a hotbed of radical book clubs in the area of The Lizard. Not one of them has the prescribed reading list and it’s up to Ricardo and his team of grizzled war veterans to eliminate the opposition and install their own benign dictatorship in the form of a highly popular national book club filled with popular best sellers. Where she gets her ideas, I really don’t know but the numbers cannot lie: Number One in the charts for weeks on end and probably a Nobel Prize for Literature to arrive in the post in the New Year.

What else is there? I suppose I should mention, in passing, the threat to our bees. Not much I can do from this end but I encourage you to douse your gardens with enough pesticide to ensure there are no other critters out there stealing the bees' supply of pollen.

And what about the lack of seagulls this year? What’s that all about? I haven’t seen a seagull in about a week. Please email me if you see a seagull. Photographs would be a bonus.

Congratulations to Adele for winning an Oscar for the song to the last James Bond film. The producers still have my CV if they think about replacing Daniel Craig so fingers crossed… My Bond would be a return to the staples that made the franchise such a success: flares, fringes, and villains with deformities.

Radio 2 still hasn't called to say they want me back presenting in the mornings but I have landed a few gigs doing the newspapers on BBC News 24. You might indeed have seen me giving my rather strident opinion about potholes recently and I have to say that the feedback has been phenomenal. I was queuing to renew our TV license the other day and somebody in the post office gave me a ‘thumbs up’. I've not been so overwhelmed since we arrived at the Watch studios and they showed us to our own private broom closet.

 And what is it with eyelashes on car headlamps? The world’s gone crazy.