Friday, 20 February 2009

Friday Notes on Monty, Monkfish and Twitter

I’ve been limbering up my tonsils for my next stint on the radio. LBC have asked me to provide cover for one of their presenters this weekend and I thought it would be another chance to quietly spread the message that Dick Madeley is a one-man show. You already know that I’m witty, urbane, and knowledgeable, but what I hope will be conveyed this weekend is that I’m also an expert on the subject of monkfish. With monkfish slowly slipping from the news agenda but the future of the species still in doubt, I’d be sorely disappointed if the show doesn’t get two dozen calls asking me to talk about my favourite fish.

However, before I can get around to preparing monkfish facts for the show, I have to deal with a problem that has arisen on Twitter. As you know, I’m something of a Twitter legend. Uncle Dick, as people have fondly started to call me, provides daily horoscopes for the Twitterers, as well as leading them in the occasional sing-a-long. Two Fridays ago, the nation’s offices were alive to the sound of ‘Bring Me Sunshine’, led be me but accompanied by Judy on the trombone. I have also entertained people with debates about the best nun films and I’ve taken to a bee costume to highlight the crisis in the honey industry. I like to think of myself as the entertaining alternative to so many dull celebrities who do nothing but wallow in their own self importance. Where most celebrities follow a few ‘normals’, as they might say, I will follow anybody who follows me. Equality in all things, is my battle cry! I want to learn about people’s lives and take great interest in following their daily routines. I am, above all things, a people’s person. (Just don’t try to turn up on my doorstep. I’ll prosecute you to within an inch of your life.)

Now I hope to expand my role on Twitter by launching a new service: The Uncle Dick Madeley Celebrity Validation Service. There are, of course, others out there attempting to do the same thing but few of them have my connections nor my iron fist wrapped in a polyester glove. If I need to discover if Ronnie Corbett is really Twittering, I need only look over the back fence. If there’s a question over Jonathan Ross’s current location, I need only shimmy up the lamppost that sits outside his royal estate. There aren’t many people who can say the same.

What will distinguish my service from the rest is that I’m setting up my own hard line validation service with a paramilitary wing. I'll be adopting the same tactics that Field Marshall Montgomery used to rout the German's from North Africa. We’ll actively hunt down fake Twitterers and mete out a spectacular forms of justice. So, if you’re currently pretending to be Benjamin Netanyahu on Twitter, you should be aware that Judy could come abseiling through your window armed with a bucket of cold rice pudding. If you’re in some dingy bedsit pretending to be Lionel Richie, don’t be surprised if you suddenly see your wallpaper come alive. It’s only Judy in her camouflage coming at you with a pair of nostril tweezers.

No doubt I’ll talk about our operations at more length in the future. For the moment, I must go and give my tonsils a bloody good scrub ahead of a busy weekend. I only ask that you remember your line: ‘I wonder if Richard would be interested in talking about the plight of the North Atlantic monkfish.’

‘Bless you’, I’ll say. ‘Of course I would.’ You can then just leave the rest to me.

10 comments:

Simon said...

It is about time that someone tracked down these imposters!

In an alternate reality I reach when I don my Alcan Sombrero and down a couple of the Dried Frog Pills, I turn into Burl Ives and I find it terribly irritating that people cannot trust the validity of my identity and refuse to believe that I am actually me. Some of them actually tell me I am dead - which is a blatent falsehood.

PS. When you are up the lampost outside my pad, could you give it a bit of clean? The streets been looking a touch dingy of late.

Mennard said...

Mennard

I am a no one and yet I received a tweet this morning saying I wasnt who I said I was .I mean how does that work .It was suggested that instead of being a jobbing lawyer .I was a fiendish scriptwritter trying to impress .

It is true I am trying hard . I can do 55 keepie uppies with a football without it falling on the floor but this doesnt mean I am not who I say I am .It will be suggested Im Paul Newman next. It was once but that was long ago . Before he died and I lost my hair .

Keep the Tweetsville safe in your guise as the saviour of the true and just tweeters !

Nige said...

Hey Dick - I see you're down for Desert Island Discs too. March 8th - don't forget! Say hi to Kirsty - we'll always have Carshalton...

mutleythedog said...

I have also taken up twittering - it helps with my eczema I think....I already have 3 followers - its the Patels...

Lola said...

Those of us with finely tuned editorial powers can follow you without the benefit of Twitter. Now put Judy down and get in the taxi, your audience awaits. The monkfish tremble in anticipation of their secrets being revealed.

Shu said...

Sorry - I have to ask in these times of great doubt, but is this really you? If so, I would love to join your Appreciation Society - given that I have appreciated both your good self and your good wife for so many hard-working years. Love Shu x

Rose said...

Richard
'Why have you not updated your blog in three days?'

Dick Madeley said...

Simon, I agree. Twitter is ruined by their type. RE: Lampost. Consider it done.

Mennard, kind words. Sad to hear that people can so cruel. People often think I'm a fiendish scriptwriter trying to impress.

Nige, how could I forget? It will be a day for the very best cravat.

Mutley, are you on Twitter. So why aren't you one of my followers? You're not Peggy the Penguin, are you?

Lola, sadly, nobody did ring in about the monkfish. All my research went to waste...

Shu, of course you can be in my Appreciation Soceity. I hereby give you membership number: 0000028. The card and ceremonial hat and gown are in the post...

Rose, I'm now done so. I'm distracted by so many other projects, it's hard to keep this going. I'm a busy man with many irons in many fires...

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