Sunday, 19 October 2008

Vice Presidential Moths

After two days on the Sudafed, the plaster angels are singing to me. This is some weird decongestive drip, one crazy mucous trip, but I can’t be the first President of the United States to announce that his decorating has formed a close harmony choir. They’ve been singing me Pink Floyd hits all night. Of course, the same thing happened to Truman but people forget about that because of that business with prune juice and the Guatemalans. The angel choir is just a Nixon thing, they media will say. Blame it all on Nixon. He was out of his head on cough syrup when he ordered the US fleet up the Thames to capture Channel 4 headquarters. Judy says that it will be seen as blatant aggression on foreign soil but I say that we were there for ten years. I can promise you that the next series of ‘The Richard & Judy Show’ won’t be like the last. I won’t be happy until we’ve rid London of the Red Chinese. And Castro. Don’t even get me started about Castro. And if I have to send the marines out to take down Jamie Oliver I’ll do it.

Who can I trust? That’s the question we have to bring to the Oval office. Who beyond these walls has Nixon’s best interests at heart? When I go signing my book, they all look at me as though I’m some kind of freak. They keep calling me Madeley. I can’t get them to stop. I wouldn’t mind if they called me ‘Tricky’, like the good old days, but they’re all out to get me. Except Nige. I love Nige. He reminds me of Spiro Agnew, which is why I made him my Vice President. Nige will know what to do, even if that means calling out the National Guard like he did that time to protect the moths.

Damn. I’ve drained another one. And I’ve lost my plastic measuring spoon. The last I saw of it was when it was stuck to Kissinger’s elbow after we met about the Fern Britton problem.

It seems pointless bothering measuring the stuff when my lips fit so snugly around the bottle. Great stuff, this Sudafed. All my flu symptoms have gone, though I can’t feel my right leg below the thigh and I’m sure that I’m developing breasts. Nothing pendulous. Just pert. Pert breasts are Nixon thing, they’ll say, and I’ll tell them that they’re damn right they are.

I’d ask Judy to have a look at them but she hasn’t forgiven me for calling her on my mobile this evening. I hadn’t known that I had until I found my phone in my trouser pocket with a fifty eight minute call still ongoing. Apparently her mobile phone had gone off sometime after seven. She’d picked it up midway through a meal with Dame Patrick Stewart and Helena Bonham Carter, only to hear me enjoying my nightly ablutions to a rousing rendition of Pink Floyd’s Money, terminating with a rhythmically perfect yanking of the chain.

Can I trust other bloggers? This is the key question. There was a time when I was added to blogrolls. Now I’m routinely deleted. They’re all out to get Nixon. I know it. Fry won’t answer any of my calls. He’s gone to Africa when Nixon wants him in Washington. I swear he's in league with the Red Chinese.

Can’t trust anybody. Except Nige who’d call out the National Guard for me. And the moths. Or maybe they're angels...

9 comments:

Barbara said...

Hmm. Stephen has a cold also. What were you two up to before he left?

Nige said...

Damn right I would Dick - and trust me I'll do my damnedest to live up to this honour...

Dick Madeley said...

Barbara, I do my best to spread my cold around but I wouldn't be surprised if his wasn't something he's picked up in Africa. Probably caught while trying to cheer up a baboon.

Nige, I'm sorry about posting your picture. I know you like your anonymity but last night I was clearly feeling the effects of the cough syrup and I didn't know what I was doing. I seem to remember doing lots of things which will come back to haunt me in the coming days.

Black Cat said...

Phew, what a relief to know who you really are! We bloggers must be honest and up front about our true identities. It's not like mine is ever taken over by an imaginery cat or anything! :)

Selena Dreamy said...

Can’t trust anybody.

Nor can I feel disgraced while I know that I am faithful!

Richard Havers said...

Tricky, you're still on my blog roll despite the fact that you deleted me in some kind of delitio-fest.

Dick Madeley said...

Black Cat, I don't know why people doubt bloggers. We're the salt of the earth and honest as the day's long, etc.

Selena, I trust you. You know that. And what's more: I have recordings to prove it.

Richard, that's a slur, sir! I have not deleted you. There you are in my list of blogs 'With Richard's Approval'. Havering Havers. I would never delete a namesake. (But you are Richard Havers, aren't you? Do you have a driving license or something to prove that?)

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