Ukranian Brides

Subject: Ukranian Brides
NickName: TatianaG
Age: 29
Date of birth: 1977-09-28
Country: Ukraine
Height: 166 cm (5'5")
Body type: Cuddly
Hair Color: Blond

Dear TataniaG,

Many thanks for the email and the attached photograph. I’m just sorry that I’m no longer in the market for a strapping Ukrainian girlfriend otherwise your name would certainly be at the top of the list. In fact, if I were still in the market for somebody to act as my personal bodyguard and apply tyre irons to the skulls of my competitors, you too would also lead the field. Your wrists seem extremely well developed and I really can’t commend you highly enough for your willingness to advertise your services.

On the subject of your photograph: my wife Judy asks if you dye your eyebrow but I maintain that it’s normal in the Ukraine for a young woman to grow her pubic hair so long. On that account, your photograph is admirably graphic and I confess that I was a little shocked when I opened your email and saw you from that angle. I really didn’t recognise you and thought it was something from Bill Oddie. We’re getting quite use to him sending photographs of bald hatchling sparrows and, in certain details, the resemblance is uncanny. You might consider another tattoo, perhaps one that reads ‘This is not a bald hatching sparrow’ next to the skull that reads ‘Sergi’.

Before I go, I thought I better pass on one word of advice. Here in the West, prospective husbands do not look kindly on future brides who include photographs of their former boyfriends. I’m sure you ex-partner is as forgiving as he is talented, double jointed, and his buttocks heavily tattooed with the insignia of the Russian mafia, but, in future, you chances of matrimony would be drastically improved if you edited him out of the photograph. Simply pasting a black strip over his eyes is simply not good enough. He’s very recognisable. As is his Alsatian.

So, again, I thank you for the offer and regretfully decline your invitation to wed.

Best wishes,

Dick Madeley