My First Executive Orders

Minutes into my second day as Richard Nixon it became apparent that the country was crying out for a series of measures to solve some of the problems brought about by mismanagement. This is why I’m issuing the following Executive Orders. Not only do they offer you a taste of things to come but they are the kind of governance you voted for. And there’s not a thing here that people who voted for George McGovern would criticise.

All men who work two days a week in Manchester will be elevated to the peerage.

Anybody caught tucking a trouser into a sock will face a £50 fine unless they are in possess of a bicycle. Coincidentally, anybody caught trousering a sock will face a £1000 fine. My administration will be tough on all sock crime.

The word ‘carvery’ is now banned from our roadsides. Call me irrational but I really do dislike the word.

All dancers must apply for official permits to tap.

Bus travel will be made free for all who pass our new cleanliness tests.

Companies that make handsome laptops will be encouraged to donate free machines to handsome bloggers with identity problems.

Richard Stilgoe is to write a new national anthem which will include the word ‘debonair’.

Facelifts are now banned from the BBC.

Clive James will become the new head of the BBC and the license fee will be reduced if you can quote Milton.

Jonathan Ross is to be demoted to caretaker in the BBC canteen but he will be given a new mop worth no less than £17.

Thorntons take note. The word ‘chocolatier’ will now be spelt ‘chocolateer’.

There must be a unified cartridge across all makes and models of inkjet printers.
Road widening schemes are to be scrapped in favour of a new programme of car narrowing.

And in our first wave of forced emigration to the Isle of Wight will be limited to anybody who has ever sang or dance in an advertisement for the Halifax.