It's A Bumper Search Saturday

It's been a particularly profitable week in the world of odd search terms. Google have been sending people my way looking for everything from haemorrhoid creams to naked historians. As is my habit on a Saturday, I'll try to explain why I think people search for these phrases or I'll give you such a learned commentary that you'll feel obliged to take an evening class at your local college where you'll become involved in a mad passionate affair with your tutor, leading you to a mad flight to Brazil where you'll find yourself alone and penniless and picking up tricks in downtown São Paulo. Eventually you'll meet a eye-patch wearing German doctor who offers you sanctuary in exchange for strange sexual favours involving a Peruvian midget called Hector. After months in the heat, listening to Edith Piaf on a scratchy gramophone while having treacle licked off your knees, you will eventually earn enough to pay for a flight home, an older, wiser, and sticker person. But you'll thank me for it in the end. Enjoy.

Tips to get a good tan

After you've covered yourself in sun cream, smear yourself with real butter. David Dickinson taught me this one so you can imagine it's as top a tanning tip as tanning tips can get.

Is Louie Walsh rich?

Yes. He's the richest man in Ireland. In fact, he's so rich he doesn't keep all his money in the bank. He plants little bags of coin beneath mushroom rings across the county of Tipperary.

Richard Madeley impressionist

I'd sue if there ever was one. Not that I don't see the appeal of pretending to be me. You would be loved by woman and feared by children and old people.

Dennies Richards nude [sic]

The spelling mistake makes this a tough one to call. There was a time when any red-blooded man would search for Dennise Richards before retiring to bed every night. Then she married Charlie Sheen and she lost her sexy. However, if you were searching for Denis Richards nude, that's a different matter. There was a historian called Denis Richards but I don't think he ever posed in the nude except for the cover photo of his 1945 biography of Thoreau.

The French they are a curious race

France is full of some of my favourite people, though many of them lost their sexy after they married Charlie Sheen.

Tunisian word for 'whore'

The word you're looking for is 'qattous', which, roughly translated, means 'everybody loses their sexy after marrying Charlie Sheen'.

Richard and Judy cushion

You wouldn't believe the number of times I've been asked if we have any cushions in our range of Richard&Judy merchandise. It's easy to see why some of you would only feel happy sitting on my face.

Richard Madeley is annoying

Guilty as charged but I like to think of it as a nice version of 'annoying', easy to warm to like my slight eccentricities like keeping a wild Bill Oddie in the house and my incessant need to promote the blog of a man much greater than myself.

Sexy Vanessa Feltz

Well, that's it then. The End of the World as predicted in The Book of Richard. When those three words comes together to form a complex statement like that, Doomsday can't be far behind. It's been nice knowing you. Do you think they have blogs in heaven? And do you think everybody will still read Iain Dale? And if so, why so?

Potted history of custard

Ah, the delights of a Daily Mail-type pun! What do you want to know about custard? Invented by the Romans, it was not until the discovery of the New World by Christopher Columbus that custard was flavoured with vanilla. In 2007 it finally eclipsed rice, becoming the world's most consumed food.

Robert Madeley Appreciation Society

One thing you can't deny about Robert Madeley is that he's not humble. Imagine creating an appreciation society to honour yourself!

Haemorrhoid Cream Sandra Bullock

Are we to read into this that Sandra Bullock has haemarrhoids as well as a comical last name? Are we to believe that this complaint might run throughout all the Bullocks? And might there not be a Bullock cream to alleviate the suffering? I would like to know.

Vintage Lawnmower Appreciation Society

Appreciate those vintage lawnmowers, appreciate them!

When are weekends in Tunisia?

Bloody good question. I rang the embassy and they tell me it's all day Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons after 2.

A.A. Gill Starbucks Cappuccino

Mr. Gill's annual report into the Starbucks' Cappuccinos is one of the most eagerly awaited reviews of the gastronomic year. 'Bloody awful' he declared in 2006. 'Somewhat milky' was his opinion a year later. This year's lucid commentary is 'frothy'. I can hardly wait until 2009.

Was Dennis Wilson circumsized?

I imagine at least one man called Dennis Wilson was.

Are prunes good for singing?

Yes. They increase your vocal range by doubling the number of orifices through which you can produce notes.

Why is Chuck Norris always happy?

Because he's one kick happy guy!

Parky's chocolate

It's true. To mark his retirement, Michael Parkinson is launching his own range of chocolate, specially designed for people who can't chew sticky foods.

Jamie Oliver black eye

Poetry. Pure poetry.

Eric Clapton dentures

Sure you're not confusing him with Chuck Norris?

Is a man wearing a skirt wrong?

I should say it bloody well is!

Dave Dickinson paint jobs

This was news to me so I went down the road to ask him. I can now confirm it. David Dickinson has started his open painting and decorating services. His rates are reasonable so I've asked him to do our dining room. If you ring him, mention my name. He'll do you a 10% discount.

Nude Harold Wilson.... Sorry!

If you're wondering: I asked Dennis to add a rabbit to save Mr. Wilson's modesty. I want this point to be clear before I go on. Saturday is the day I usually take for a long earned rest and I'm in no mood for answering questions about why Harold Wilson has got genitals in the shape of a red rabbit. Instead I want to spend my time reading. I've bought a few new books which are now sitting by my favourite armchair and intend to get at least one of them finished before sundown.

As usual, I'm posting cheap filler material in the form of the best search terms that have brought readers to the blog this week. As is my custom, I'll try to figure out what they were searching for and I'll do my best to answer their queries.

Nude sorry Harold Wilson

This has to be the week's oddest search term. Luckily, I have a picture of one of the many times that our late Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, was caught in the nude. He was always very apologetic and I think that the rabbit proves my point.

Is Richard Madeley Jewish?

Depends what you're really asking. If you're asking if I'm circumcised then I'd have to ask you: does an accident involving a set of sheers count? If you're asking if I read the Torah regularly, then no, I'm not Jewish. I'm CofE with mildly orthodox Catholic leanings that have to do with my love of baroque church architecture and the writings of Pope Julius II.

Richard Madeley is an idiot

Depends what you mean by 'idiot'. Am I flawed? I would say so. Am I wiser and more knowledgeable than 99.9% of the British public: absolutely.

Richard and Judy baldness

And not for much longer! My hair is growing at a remarkable rate. I think taking some of Judy's old HRT medication has helped too. The early indications were that I was growing breasts but that, thankfully, is no longer the case. I remain a manly B cup.

Judy's tits at the Brits

Hard to know what to say to this one. She took them with her, if that's what you mean.

Which cartoon animal whistled through its teeth?

Easy: Dangermouse.

Richard Madeley's qualifications

Eight 'O' levels, a clutch of 'A' levels, a couple of degrees, and an honorary Ph.D. in Advanced Biomolecular Engineering.

Terry Nutkins with a beard

I have a photograph of this too.

Prunella Scales topless

Unfortunately I don't have this picture.

Pointless Stephen Fry links

You mean like this one?

How tall is David Dickinson?

This old chestnut? Little Miss Sunshine is 5' 11” tall, which you would know if you keep refreshing this page to go through my bestiary.

Richard Madeley is a twat – sorry the only way I could find your blog

That's okay, stranger. Whoever typed this in to Google gave me the biggest laugh of my week. And, when you think about that, you'll see why I'm having a day off. It has been a bad week for Madeley.

Saturday's Search Term Bonanza

It’s the weekend and I’ve had little chance to rest, even though I’m worn out after the first week back in the five o’clock slot on Channel 4. I’m rushing to write up the latest bit of gossip regarding Stephen’s accident but, in the meantime, here is something to make you smile: my favourite search terms from the past week's visitors from Google.

People often ask me if I make these up and I swear that they are genuine. As usual, I’ll try to explain/answer them to the best of my ability.


‘Venessa Feltz cleavage’

The old favourite is still going strong. It is a somewhat disturbing fact that this phrase alone accounts for more visitors to this blog than any other. I doubt if Venessa Feltz even knows that her cleavage is this popular.

‘How did the pencil help society when it was invented?’

Well we finally had a single instrument which could be used to both stir our tea and remove troublesome ear wax.

‘Perfect marker beard’

I think small Jimmy Hill style beards are the perfect way to mark the end of your chin. Some men swear by them. With a well trimmed Jimmy Hill beard, you’ll never lost the end of your chin again.

‘Uses for hemorrhoid cream’

Cleaning out an ants nest, smoothing wrinkles, making an Eskimo frown.

‘How to electrocute a squirrel’

It is a known scientific fact that you cannot actually electrocute a squirrel. They have such a high level of salt in their bodies that they are a natural conductor of electricity. Some people say that squirrels might even hold the key to our energy problems.

‘Jeremy Paxman pants’

The details are these: inside leg 38”, waist 41”, and made from the best squashed worsted by Mr. Patel of High Street, Whickham.

‘Water Sport transvestites’

This one confuses the hell out of me. Why anybody would want to see transvestites surfing and wind sailing is a mystery. From a distance, I’d doubt if you’d even know that they’re transvestites. Could they perhaps mean water polo?

‘Prunella Scales topless photo’

Understandable. I’ve always had a slight thing for Mrs. Fawlty.

‘Usherette tray manufacturer’

You can’t beat Peels of Norwich. They make the finest usherette trays.

‘Fart appreciation society’

The mind boggles. Where do they hold their meetings? What do they do at their meetings? And who would want to attend their meetings?

‘The rubber duck appreciation society’

Much more my cup of tea. Quack.

‘Kirsty Wark newsreader marital status’

Married and mean. You don’t want to go there, boyfriend.

‘Richard Madeley funny things he says’

See above and below. I’m here until Easter.

‘Who is Marti Pellow's wife?’

Mrs. Pellow. I’ve met her on many occasions and she’s a lovely woman. Oddly, she has a total aversion to the records of Wet Wet Wet. It marks her out as a connoisseur of good music.