It's A Bumper Search Saturday

It's been a particularly profitable week in the world of odd search terms. Google have been sending people my way looking for everything from haemorrhoid creams to naked historians. As is my habit on a Saturday, I'll try to explain why I think people search for these phrases or I'll give you such a learned commentary that you'll feel obliged to take an evening class at your local college where you'll become involved in a mad passionate affair with your tutor, leading you to a mad flight to Brazil where you'll find yourself alone and penniless and picking up tricks in downtown São Paulo. Eventually you'll meet a eye-patch wearing German doctor who offers you sanctuary in exchange for strange sexual favours involving a Peruvian midget called Hector. After months in the heat, listening to Edith Piaf on a scratchy gramophone while having treacle licked off your knees, you will eventually earn enough to pay for a flight home, an older, wiser, and sticker person. But you'll thank me for it in the end. Enjoy.

Tips to get a good tan

After you've covered yourself in sun cream, smear yourself with real butter. David Dickinson taught me this one so you can imagine it's as top a tanning tip as tanning tips can get.

Is Louie Walsh rich?

Yes. He's the richest man in Ireland. In fact, he's so rich he doesn't keep all his money in the bank. He plants little bags of coin beneath mushroom rings across the county of Tipperary.

Richard Madeley impressionist

I'd sue if there ever was one. Not that I don't see the appeal of pretending to be me. You would be loved by woman and feared by children and old people.

Dennies Richards nude [sic]

The spelling mistake makes this a tough one to call. There was a time when any red-blooded man would search for Dennise Richards before retiring to bed every night. Then she married Charlie Sheen and she lost her sexy. However, if you were searching for Denis Richards nude, that's a different matter. There was a historian called Denis Richards but I don't think he ever posed in the nude except for the cover photo of his 1945 biography of Thoreau.

The French they are a curious race

France is full of some of my favourite people, though many of them lost their sexy after they married Charlie Sheen.

Tunisian word for 'whore'

The word you're looking for is 'qattous', which, roughly translated, means 'everybody loses their sexy after marrying Charlie Sheen'.

Richard and Judy cushion

You wouldn't believe the number of times I've been asked if we have any cushions in our range of Richard&Judy merchandise. It's easy to see why some of you would only feel happy sitting on my face.

Richard Madeley is annoying

Guilty as charged but I like to think of it as a nice version of 'annoying', easy to warm to like my slight eccentricities like keeping a wild Bill Oddie in the house and my incessant need to promote the blog of a man much greater than myself.

Sexy Vanessa Feltz

Well, that's it then. The End of the World as predicted in The Book of Richard. When those three words comes together to form a complex statement like that, Doomsday can't be far behind. It's been nice knowing you. Do you think they have blogs in heaven? And do you think everybody will still read Iain Dale? And if so, why so?

Potted history of custard

Ah, the delights of a Daily Mail-type pun! What do you want to know about custard? Invented by the Romans, it was not until the discovery of the New World by Christopher Columbus that custard was flavoured with vanilla. In 2007 it finally eclipsed rice, becoming the world's most consumed food.

Robert Madeley Appreciation Society

One thing you can't deny about Robert Madeley is that he's not humble. Imagine creating an appreciation society to honour yourself!

Haemorrhoid Cream Sandra Bullock

Are we to read into this that Sandra Bullock has haemarrhoids as well as a comical last name? Are we to believe that this complaint might run throughout all the Bullocks? And might there not be a Bullock cream to alleviate the suffering? I would like to know.

Vintage Lawnmower Appreciation Society

Appreciate those vintage lawnmowers, appreciate them!

When are weekends in Tunisia?

Bloody good question. I rang the embassy and they tell me it's all day Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons after 2.

A.A. Gill Starbucks Cappuccino

Mr. Gill's annual report into the Starbucks' Cappuccinos is one of the most eagerly awaited reviews of the gastronomic year. 'Bloody awful' he declared in 2006. 'Somewhat milky' was his opinion a year later. This year's lucid commentary is 'frothy'. I can hardly wait until 2009.

Was Dennis Wilson circumsized?

I imagine at least one man called Dennis Wilson was.

Are prunes good for singing?

Yes. They increase your vocal range by doubling the number of orifices through which you can produce notes.

Why is Chuck Norris always happy?

Because he's one kick happy guy!

Parky's chocolate

It's true. To mark his retirement, Michael Parkinson is launching his own range of chocolate, specially designed for people who can't chew sticky foods.

Jamie Oliver black eye

Poetry. Pure poetry.

Eric Clapton dentures

Sure you're not confusing him with Chuck Norris?

Is a man wearing a skirt wrong?

I should say it bloody well is!

Dave Dickinson paint jobs

This was news to me so I went down the road to ask him. I can now confirm it. David Dickinson has started his open painting and decorating services. His rates are reasonable so I've asked him to do our dining room. If you ring him, mention my name. He'll do you a 10% discount.

Nude Harold Wilson.... Sorry!

If you're wondering: I asked Dennis to add a rabbit to save Mr. Wilson's modesty. I want this point to be clear before I go on. Saturday is the day I usually take for a long earned rest and I'm in no mood for answering questions about why Harold Wilson has got genitals in the shape of a red rabbit. Instead I want to spend my time reading. I've bought a few new books which are now sitting by my favourite armchair and intend to get at least one of them finished before sundown.

As usual, I'm posting cheap filler material in the form of the best search terms that have brought readers to the blog this week. As is my custom, I'll try to figure out what they were searching for and I'll do my best to answer their queries.

Nude sorry Harold Wilson

This has to be the week's oddest search term. Luckily, I have a picture of one of the many times that our late Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, was caught in the nude. He was always very apologetic and I think that the rabbit proves my point.

Is Richard Madeley Jewish?

Depends what you're really asking. If you're asking if I'm circumcised then I'd have to ask you: does an accident involving a set of sheers count? If you're asking if I read the Torah regularly, then no, I'm not Jewish. I'm CofE with mildly orthodox Catholic leanings that have to do with my love of baroque church architecture and the writings of Pope Julius II.

Richard Madeley is an idiot

Depends what you mean by 'idiot'. Am I flawed? I would say so. Am I wiser and more knowledgeable than 99.9% of the British public: absolutely.

Richard and Judy baldness

And not for much longer! My hair is growing at a remarkable rate. I think taking some of Judy's old HRT medication has helped too. The early indications were that I was growing breasts but that, thankfully, is no longer the case. I remain a manly B cup.

Judy's tits at the Brits

Hard to know what to say to this one. She took them with her, if that's what you mean.

Which cartoon animal whistled through its teeth?

Easy: Dangermouse.

Richard Madeley's qualifications

Eight 'O' levels, a clutch of 'A' levels, a couple of degrees, and an honorary Ph.D. in Advanced Biomolecular Engineering.

Terry Nutkins with a beard

I have a photograph of this too.

Prunella Scales topless

Unfortunately I don't have this picture.

Pointless Stephen Fry links

You mean like this one?

How tall is David Dickinson?

This old chestnut? Little Miss Sunshine is 5' 11” tall, which you would know if you keep refreshing this page to go through my bestiary.

Richard Madeley is a twat – sorry the only way I could find your blog

That's okay, stranger. Whoever typed this in to Google gave me the biggest laugh of my week. And, when you think about that, you'll see why I'm having a day off. It has been a bad week for Madeley.

Friday's Search Terms

Some days are particularly fruitful in the world of the internet search engines. In the last twenty four hours, I’ve had visitors searching for the following terms, which I shall now attempt to address to the best of my considerable ability.

"Who is Mrs Jeremy Clarkson?"

Mrs Jeremy Clarkson is the wife of Jeremy Clarkson, TV host, the nation’s favourite baiter of badgers, and professional strongman. Her name is Frances and she holds the female land speed record which she set at 655mph in Jeremy’s rocket car.

"Do women fancy trannies?"

Tough question. I would say that it depends on the tranny. Generally woman prefer MP3 players as the sound quality on even the most modern transistor radio isn’t as good as you can get from a basic MP3 player. Whereas MP3 players now come with touch screen controls, trannies are generally stuck with knobs which can be fiddly and hard to use when your fingers are cold.

"Tell me about midgets in orange jackets"

Good question. Simply put: it is the law. Since 2004, all European midgets have been forced to wear luminous orange jackets to make them visible in crowds. This rule was brought into effect after a spate of high profile accidents involving taller people tripping over midgets in public places.

"Stephen Fry taxi blog"

Stephen does write a blog from his taxi. The address of the ‘Stephen Fry Taxi Blog’ is known to only a few close friends and I couldn’t possibly publish it here. It is, I can assure you, one of the best blogs out there and even wittier than his public blog. No, honestly, I wish you could read it. It is genius. Pure genius.

"Richard Madeley penis model"

So what if I did? I was young and needed the money. The pictures were all tastefully shot in black and white and though I was nude there was nothing wrong with that. It was the 1970s. We were all nude back then. Except for Harold Wilson, who you wouldn’t want to see nude. Even with his pipe. You would want to see me nude, though. Prints are available at a reasonable price. Email me if you’re interested.

"Technically a midget in UK"

To be a midget in the UK you have to be less that four feet nine inches tall. The most surprising aspect of this fact isn’t that Ronnie Corbett is classed as a midget but that Noel Edmonds is too. It’s something of an in-joke within the media, just don’t mention it to Noel’s face… the next time you’re down there.

"Midget riding a donkey pic"

Officially this is Google’s most popular search term. There are many images of midgets riding donkeys, but the most famous resource is probably www.midgetsridingadonkey.com.

"Does Chuck Norris wear dentures?"

Yes. As I've explained on many previous occasions, he has two pairs. One for everyday use and another for films when he wants to sneer. His sneering dentures are slightly larger and ride higher on the gum.

"How did Eric Church meet his wife"

What an interesting question! I’m glad somebody has finally asked me that. Many of you won’t know who Eric Church is, which is odd given that he’s the UK’s top fiddle-playing gynaecologist. He’s played the fiddle between the thighs of some of the country’s most famous women and the odd man too. He met his wife, Sandra, at a banjo and fiddle convention in Stockport. Sandra is an expert banjo player as well as being an ear, nose and throat expert with a Middlesex Hospital Trust.

"Richard Madeley bog"

This happened only three minutes ago and I had to include it since it’s such an odd thing to ask me about. There only interesting fact I can tell you about this is that there are no locks in the Madeley home. Digestion is a normal function of the human body so why should we be ashamed and hide it away? I’ve lost count of the number of times that Judy has walked in on me mid-movement. In fact, some of the best conversations we’ve ever had took place while I was elbow to kneecap. I recommend it to all married couples. Unmarried too. If it doesn’t break you, it will bring you closer together.

[Update: Judy has just pointed out that 'bog' might be a mistyped 'blog' and I needn't have gone into all this detail. However, I think it's interesting and helpful advice, so I'll let it stay.]

"Does Chuck Norris have any hobbies?"

I can barely keep up this afternoon with all the queries coming into the blog. Now a visitor from Dallas asks if Chuck Norris has any hobbies. I’ve had to ring Stephen for an answer to this one and he’s quite certain that Chuck does have hobbies. Apparently, Chuck’s hobbies are breeding horses, sculpting decorative mullions, oriental cooking, and Subbuteo. I'm glad we could help.

Can You Have Two Rectums?

I want to write a quick response to the person in the US currently browsing this site at twenty one minutes past midnight (London time). They arrived here from Google asking 'can you have 2 rectums'.

My expert response is this question is: yes. Yes, you can have two rectums. It does, however, mean that you'll probably also have three buttocks.