Things I Have Discovered Today

You may have woken up this morning and been somewhat surprised to read the headlines on some newspapers claiming that Judy and I are in negotiations with other TV channels to continue our domination of tea-time television. Had I read that John Wayne was in negotiations to continue his domination of the lawless West, I couldn't have more surprised. Unfortunately, I'm in no position to either confirm or deny the rumours of the £4 million deal. Judy handles the financial arrangements and I've been too busy today working on 'Eye of the Storm 2'.

Why this particular show should involve my staring at Word documents for eight solid hours and fixing other people's grammar and typing mistakes is too long and arduous to go into here. Let's just say that it's part of the magical mystery of television that you viewers rarely get to see. That the documents have more to do with the Leisure industry of North East England is similarly confusing. However, the day has been one that has blessed me with much in the way of new knowledge.

I have discovered that:

* The average wedding the UK costs over £18,000 and has approximately 106 guests.

* A man is foolish should he try to sail his yacht into any harbour of North East Scotland when there is a strong wind blowing from off the sea.

* A 5% rise in the seasonal visitors to a certain holiday camp in East Anglia would produce a sewage problem should there be an unseasonable amount of rainfall.

Other remarkable discoveries I've made today include the fact that all six feet and two inches of the Madeley frame are not suited to life hunched over a keyboard for eight hours. It explains why I've just had Judy walk barefoot over my back to iron of the kinks. It also came as something of a surprise to learn that in the course of negotiating my contract with the producers, I'd failed to establish that my eight hour working day didn't include lunch. My day is really nine hours, or eight and a half if I can ram a pickled sandwich down my throat in the Starbucks across the road from the production offices.

I must finally say a word about the nation's railways. When they next decide to cancel an eight AM train, could they give me more warning? Having gone to the trouble of wearing my false nose and beret, it's galling to have to spend an extra half hour on the platform worrying that people might recognise me from the TV.

I'm now getting to bed. I have to be at the offices tomorrow for eight o'clock to ensure that I can beat the rush hour traffic at the other end of the day. A false nose and beret are hardly adequate protection against flailing elbows of rival commuters and tonight's train was so crammed, I found a businessman's sweat stained armpit placed conveniently under the end of my nose. I can't be sure that my plastic proboscis didn't begin to run and my beret droop.

Richard's Facts Omnibus

Did you know that Samantha Fox is a qualified butcher? Or that eels can be used as a makeshift television aerials. Then fear not. I’m here to inform you that you can make a dog sneeze by tying a knot in its tail, that earwigs contain high levels of psychotopic drugs, and a lentil can withstand the weight of a mountain.

That’s right, I’m returning to what I know best: useless facts. Stephen Fry can stick his QI. This is the place you should come if you want to know that hat stands are banned in Belgium and CD lens cleaner is made from low quality whisky.

I’m responding to the dozen or so emails I’ve had from readers pointing out that I’ve been lax in giving you my usual daily facts. It has clearly been something you've missing. Some of you have stopped me in the street to complain. Others have gone off into dark corners and begun to hatch plots against me.

In order to rectify my oversight, I today present you with a bumper crop of facts. These facts have be gleaned from my decades spent producing high class journalism. I hope you find them all as interesting as I do.

Did you know that Rudyard Kipling invented vollyball?

Nelson Mandela owned the very first Hawaiian shirt.

Elephants will bark if you feed them soya.

‘Igloo’ is the Icelandic word for sunshine.

A keyring is considered an offensive weapon in North Korea.

Ducks mate on the wing but also with their wings.

It’s legal to hunt otters with greyhounds in Somerset.

A man was recently jailed in Tumbridge Wells for toffee apple offences going back ten years.

The French Resistance made explosives from sherbet during World War 2.

Dundee has the highest rate of any UK city for obese undertakers.

Harlow is known as the City of the Nautical Mile because that’s where it was invented.

Sandra Bullock owns a ranch but doesn’t own a single bullock.

Crayons are still made from beaver wax harvested from renewable beavers.

Paddington Bear is a gay icon in Peru and is often dressed in leather.

Barbara Windsor was in line to become the fifth Doctor Who.

And last, but not least: did you know that Ipswich is slowly sinking into the sea?