Question Thursday

It’s late, I'm again stuck up here in Manchester, and these old bones of mine intend to get some sleep despite the continued wailing of the Ladyboys in the car-park across the street.

Not wanting to disappoint you should you pop by to say hello tomorrow, I thought I’d write up some quick responses to genuine questions asked of this blog via Google in the last couple of weeks.

Is Claire Balding a man?

Yes she is. Her name is Eric and she lives in Dartford with her husband, Willie Carson.

Is Care Balding married to Willie Carson?

See above. They honeymooned in the Grand Canaries.

How much prune juice is too much?

If you have to ask, you’ve probably had too much. If in doubt, cough twice and then check your thighs for leakage.

How old is Richard Madeley?

The distinguished side of fifty. Twenty seven horse years. Fourteen by the camel.

Can you have two rectums?

Yes. It’s quite common. However I don’t. I just have one. Amaze your friends! Confuse your enemies! Coming soon from my blog: The Richard Madeley Has Only One Rectum T-Shirt.

Does Richard Madeley wear a wig?

I do though the correct term is ‘merkin’.

What languages do people in Tunisia speak?

Arabic, French and Welsh.

Is Paul Heaton allergic to bee stings?

I should imagine he might be. If I had his email address I’d write to ask him. Excellent new album, by the way. Listened to it five times as I was bounced between trains today. It gets better with each listening. ‘This Deckchair Collapsed’. Masterpiece.

Are the Krankies technically midgets?

The bloke is. His missus isn't. But the whole thing is just wrong in my opinion...

Who invented butter?

Horace Walpole. He also invented the gothic novel and was the first Englishman to eat an artichoke.

Who writes Richard Madeley's blog?

I do. Occasionally with the help of my friends, rarely with any assistance from Judy. Denis Plumb sometimes drops by and lends his only hand.

Has Martin Amis read Harry Potter?

No but he's a huge fan of the films.

Is Clive James a sir?

On this blog he is.

What's wrong with Terry Wogan's ears?

Water on the earlobes. Makes them droop terribly if left undrained.

Are Ladyboys transvestites?

If they’re not, I don’t know what is.

Why do my testicles feel like onions?

I have no idea. Do your onions feel like testicles?

Do radishes smell?

The last time I sniffed a radish it certainly did. A definite radish odour. Reminded me of radish.

Why do the Swiss yodel?

All people born at altitude have this ability. It’s just that the Swiss had the time to develop it into a hobby to annoy the French and Germans.

Is it a tit or a teat?

You have to ask yourself: is it for work or for pleasure?

Fame

When I had dinner with Tony Blair a few months ago, I got talking to Charlotte Church about the terrible habit that minor celebrities have of name dropping. Lorraine Kelly was sitting on my other side and she told us a wonderful anecdote about the time the interviewed Prince Charles and he told her how he regretted not having got to know Gandhi better than he did. We all agreed that dropping Gandhi’s name into a conversation is about as good a name-drop as you can get and then but we questioned whether this made Charles a minor celebrity. That’s when Tony chipped in and explained that Nelson Mandala always told him that Gandhi was one of his heroes too. That’s when Cherie came in with the pudding and George Michael nipped out to the bathroom.

The point I’m trying to make here is that when you mix with the stars, it’s inevitable that you get to know some of them socially. Judy and I try to live a normal life and refuse to live by the conventions of the celebrity lifestyle. Just today, for instance, Judy is busy in the garden building a new rockery with just Kim Wilde and Katie Melua to help her. Having friends over is a good anecdote to glamour. It helps you keep real. When you get up in the morning and find the lovely Clare Balding brewing a cup of tea in your kitchen and you notice that she’s got dirty nails, you tend to realise that we’re all really the same and there’s no such thing as being a star.

Today is a grey Wednesday so I think we need some celebrity facts to inspire us. Did you know that Des O’Connor has a stoat farm in Norfolk? Not only that, he is considered the father of the UK stoat industry. He’s not the only celebrity to have an odd hobby. Billy Connolly drives tractors for fun and Adrian Chiles is a Latin American dance champion. Not all celebrities spend the hobby time in selfish fun. You can only admire the work Jo Brand does for many UK charities and still finds time to spend her weekends helping to restore the spire on Lincoln Cathedral.