Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts

Monday, 15 December 2008

In Conversation With: Katy Evans-Bush, Poet

One of the biggest regrets in my life is that my blog has not yet become a regular port of call for the nation's intelligentsia. Due to some mix up in the way that Yahoo! and Google categorise blogs, my Appreciation Society is rarely quoted in The Guardian's literary pages and it has yet to get a mention on any programme hosted by Mariella Frostrup. Yet as many of you know, I have tried to model my blog on the website that I consider to be the nes plus ultra of 'the casual highbrow'. Clive James might have stopped replying to my emails but I still maintain that he provides a service like no other, embodying articulate argument with a dose of salty wit. Where he goes, I will follow. (Except, of course, where mandated by that damned restraining order of his.) And until I launch my own video podcasts ('Madeley Meditates With...' is the plan), I will continue to post diary extracts and occasional opinion pieces.

Today, however, I take my first step towards my destiny with Sky Arts HD with an interview with a real, living, breathing poet.

Katy Evan-Bush is probably best known to regular readers as Ms. Baroque of the famous 'Baroque in Hackney' blog. On Saturday, I caught the 87 bus into the north east of London to sit down with her to discuss her new collection of verse. In a way, going to Hackney was like taking a trip into the depths of my own psyche. It was not pretty as I got to grips with my own fascination with the poetic form and I should warn you that the following interview is taken verbatim from the tape. I'm sure you'll find it as informative as it is a frank and somewhat provocative analysis of modern poetry. I want to thank Katy for taking the time from her busy schedule and for indulging me and my many questions. I'd also like to thank her picking up the tab for the large deluxe mocha with cream and two flakes which I enjoyed enormously to the detriment of my favourite pearl silk shirt.


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RM: First of all, Katy, it's so good of you to take the time to talk to me for my Appreciation Society. I've promoted some right old tat in my time, so it's a welcome break to be discussing something classy for a change.

You've written a delightful collection of verse called 'Me and the Dead', which both Judy and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading with our cocoa at night. It's really helped us relax and Judy has managed to catch some quality shuteye over the last two weeks. I've not heard her snore so loudly since she had her last major sinus infection. However, I wanted to begin by asking you to what exactly is poetry and why should anybody go the trouble of finding the poetry section in their local bookshop when they could be buying 'Fathers and Sons', which is itself extremely reasonably priced, if not already heavily discounted in most stores?


KEB: 'Fathers and Sons', by Turgenev, it's discounted in most stores?? This is wonderful news! Well, the obvious reason to look for the poetry section in that case, Dick, is so they can read 'Eugene Onegin', by Pushkin. Or any other book of poetry really. Poetry is much more interesting than 99.9% of prose. Maybe worth remembering if you ever start a book club. It's about more than sales figures you know. (Though there is still time to buy 'Me and the Dead' on Amazon for Christmas!)

RM: It's interesting that you should say that. In 1814, Byron's poem, 'The Corsair', sold 10,000 copies on the first day. By 1859, Tennyson was shifting 10,000 copies a month of the first of his 'Idylls of the Kings' poems. This year, 'Fathers and Sons' is selling stronger than everything ever written by both Byron and Tennyson. Do you think that chat show hosts have become the poets of the age?

KEB: Ah, Dick, you're really feeling it, aren't you! I suggest you sign up for a local workshop and unleash your creativity. Anyway, I know from all the IQ tests they gave us at school that your question relies for its power on a pattern developing - the downward trend in poetry sales - and that this pattern would be impossible to sustain indefinitely, because you can't have negative sales. I think poetry will be fine even without the chat shows. Though if any chat show hosts are reading this...

RM: One or two, Katy. One or two...

It's hard to think of an upside to death, which makes 'Me and the Dead' such a brave title. Did you ever consider something that was a little less depressing? Judy suggested 'Me and the Chronically Unwell', which, as she puts it, at least holds out the possibility of recovery.


KEB: I may consider that for the next book. The third one is already titled, in fact, and it fits perfectly, as the plan is for it to be called 'Me and the Really Much Better'. Many people have failed to be depressed by my title, in any case - they seemed to think it was about Jerry Garcia.

RM: Both Judy and I loved the first poem in the collection. I think I speak for both of us when I say that it gave us a great sense of community, reaffirming the importance of friendship in our lives. What led you to write that beautiful lyric titled 'Acknowledgements'?

KEB: Dick, I think you and I understand each other. Without the silent bow of the head to those who have helped us on the journeys that are each of our lives, what are we? Where would we be? How could you hope to have a journey at all without the warming hearths, the staging posts that make up the epochs of our lives? You have understood my work here in a deep way.

RM: One of your poems is called 'A Later Letter on Art', which begins: 'and some of artists I met were so technique I could not / stomach them'. A beautiful line but one that raises an interesting question. Is poetry an art of the stomach or the brain? Is it about rationality or appetite? And, if the stomach, would that be the upper or lower intestine?

KEB: You've been talking to Stephen Fry again. Upper.

I do think you're onto something there though, because poetry is of course about the stomach. The brain comes into it too, I know, but the stomach is where our raw food is transformed into that heat which fuels us and becomes energy. It becomes something wonderful - life itself. In poetry, the raw material of experience is put through a similarly transformative process to become something that fuels us in our lives.

I think this can even be more true of poetry than of prose, because in poetry, both writer and reader are freed from fiction's mundane 'what happened next' straitjacket. In a poem you can be true or make things up, you can simply make an observation and leave. You don't have to stick around for 200 pages trying to decide what colour a character's front door would be.

RM: I might be misreading your collection as a whole based on the second poem, 'The Only Reader', but you seem to be very interested in geese. Do you think that geese can tell us something profound about our lives?

KEB: Well, they know when to go south. They know how to make a formation and stay in it - an example of group dynamics that someone should try and explain to my kids. They're iconic, too, the Canada geese as they fly overhead - they seem make the air move with them, it really feels like something's happening. You want that kind of thing in your life. They don't mess about, do they.

In my poem, of course, the goose turns out to be the harbinger of the poem itself, almost the soul of the writer, or the reader. It's a poem about renunciation, really.

In fact, the poem started out much more humbly. This is an example of how things can change in progress. I started it one day in a bad mood over one rejection slip too many - I think the total at that point had reached 5,746 - and the original working title for the piece was the much more snarky 'Letter to the Editor'. I changed it after I saw what I'd written, it just didn't seem right anymore. And I realised that, although I still felt annoyed, I had written something that was true to how I really felt and that went deeper than my annoyance.

RM: You write about quite a few animals. Just off the top of my head, I remember you mentioning a moose, a mouse, a giraffe, rabbits, sardines, doves, a bear, a cow, a wolf, a bull, a kangaroo, a duck, a pig, pigeons, buffalo, lots of deer, sheep, some dinosaur, three otters, and, of course, the geese which we've already talked about. Judy also thought she spotted a beaver in there as well but I think she was just misreading one of your metaphors. My question to you is this: John Clare famously wrote a poem called 'The Badger'. Have you ever thought of writing a poem about a badger?

KEB: Have you seen what happens to that badger of Clare's? I might try it. I might make something nice happen to a badger. I'm a big admirer of Clare. He's famous for writing 'nature poetry', but his poetry is actually quite political - he wrote about the enclosures, for instance - and the badger poem is about the stupidity of the villagers who hunt the badger down, chase it through the streets and pretty much torture it to death. Animals look pretty good compared to those humans.

RM: Katy, I hope you don't mind my asking but how tall are you?

KEB: Taller than John Clare, and much taller than a badger.

RM: I only asked that because John Keats was a small man and so was Alexander Pope. Do you think that small people make the best poets? And might it have something to do with their having a different perspective to the rest of us? Do you know that Pam Ayres is only four foot three but rhymes like a monster?

KEB: Yes but I bet she can't think of a rhyme for monster (DM: 'hamster', 'roadster', 'York Minster'?). I think small people find it hard to see at concerts and plays, or even in a crowded tube train, so they have to find something else to think about. Maybe that's it. I was always tall for my age until I was about 11, and I suddenly stopped growing.

My other hero, the essayist Charles Lamb, was also very diminutive. But I think people were smaller then. They weren't taking vitamins and eating meat every day, were they.

RM: Would you agree with my theory that technically speaking, Shakespeare might have been a midget, and do you think that this possibly accounts for his high forehead which we see in the Droeshout portrait in the first folio?

KEB: Dick, you're going to have to think of a new theory. I know someone who's working on the theory that Shakespeare was Marlowe's sister.

I think it's fair to say he's no taller than average, though. He just doesn't look tall, does he. How tall are you?

RM: I’m a glorious six feet and two inches, which means I have trouble sitting in any seat designed for the average human spine. But enough about me. What did you learn from Stephen Fry's excellent primer on poetry, 'An Ode Less Travelled'? Have you ever penned an alexandrine? And, other than superheroes, do you like men in capes?

KEB: I have penned alexandrines, I've even let them out of their pens and herded them into new pens.

And 'An Ode Less Travelled', really? Well, I learned that Stephen Fry writes poetry; I think we deserve to see some! And I learned that he thinks that "this is an embarrassing confession for an adult to make."

Actually, in the first paragraph of his Foreword, he talks of poetry as something that adults do "in their idle hours" for 'relaxation and enjoyment', citing things like Agatha Christie's gardening. His slightly problematical example of James Joyce's singing sheds some light on the essentual confusion of Fry's thinking: because of course Joyce wrote poetry. But of course he was a poet.

And in respect of Nabokov's butterfly collecting (Fry: 'he chased butterflies'), this may be a good place to remind your friend that Nabokov was in fact as distinguished a lepidopterist as he was a writer. He wrote scientific papers and was responsible for organising the butterfly collection at the Museum of Comparative Zoology, at Harvard.

He was also very interested in ghosts.

As JD Salinger's character Seymour Glass told us - and I'm quoting from memory here - no one who is doing his real work, or living according to his true nature - I forget exactly how he put it - has time for hobbies.

RM: You try your hand at a variety of forms in this collection. Some with long lines, some with short lines, while others remind me of the butterfly shape poetry of George Herbert. So let me ask you this: have you ever tried to write a poem in the shape of a squirrel?

KEB: There you go with your animals again. You're obsessed! Does your wife know about this?

RM: I think I'm right in saying that you primarily write free verse. Why do you think that most modern poets, with the exception of Pay Ayres and myself, generally shirk away from rhyme?

KEB: It's too hard. It takes a master to succeed, and it takes someone who doesn't mind how they look if it fails. I think you are that man. I do have some things in rhyme, though. I can do it.

RM: I'm sure you've read both 'Fathers and Sons' and my 'Epistle on Jeremy Paxman's Sock Drawer'. However, I have just finished my newest poem, which I've titled 'An Ode To Judy's Biscuit Barrel'. As a contemporary whose opinion I value, what do you think of it?

You sit on a shelf, at the back of my wife's larder,
Just a bucket of fragments and biscuits gone harder.
Figs, rich tea, arrowroot, and then there's the Nice,
Only there's nothing nice in how you entice
My wife's hips larger, my barely noticeable paunch,
To expand from ye miscreant nibbles, taken after lunch.
Is that what you seek, causing disruption to our lives?
Tempting us with the rich salvation of sugar. Like pies,
You seduce my Judy and care little for what comes after,
As bad as Apple strudel or something flaky filled with sultana.
Oh, terrible biscuit barrel, on the shelf above the spuds!
Don't mock me for my simple taste for your rich savoury goods.
It is Judy you're after, so take her instead, let me pass,
Prim and sexy, with nothing to mar my slim yet nubile ass.

RM, London, 2008


KEB: It's very beautiful. Judy must be so pleased. Speaking of rhyme, that 'after/sultana' rhyme is very daring!

RM: Thank you. I am rather proud of that, though I don't think I've got my iambs lined up quite right. But let me ask: do you think an old fashioned believers in scansion such as myself is holding onto a moribund dogma which, at the very least, is a patriarchal imposition of a phallocentric order over the course of the metrical line and, at the worst, an anachronism unsuited to an age of deconstructive tendencies and the post-Hegelian heterodoxy?

KEB: Yeah.

RM: I recently read a report on the internet that said that Stephen Fry has bought Ezra Pound's pickled testicles. Collecting parts of a favourite poet was quite the craze in the nineteenth century. Trelawny was supposed to have owned pieces of Shelley's jawbone. If you could own the organ of one poet, which organ would it be and who would be the poet? Judy said she'd go for Shelley's heart but I know that I'd always plump for Milton's spleen.

KEB: Milton's spleen! That's good. Well, I wouldn't want Dylan Thyomas' drinking hand. But if we're talking as collectors here - connoisseurs - I might ask for Byron's frontal lobe.

RM: Excellent answer. I might have to trade up from the spleen.

I confess that normally I only read Clive James' verse, primarily because I'm sexually attracted to older men with copious supplies of good whiskey. Why do you think that people don't read poetry? Is it a fault of people or the poetry? And why do you think Sir Clive won't respond to my emails?


KEB: That's probably why people don't read poetry, you know - they're shy. School just makes them even more shy, and then when they grow up and go in the bookshop, they don't exactly see poetry piled high in the 3 for 2's! I'm always getting people telling me how much they used to love poetry, but they always say they have no idea what to read, or what they'd like. I frankly think that if the industry hyped poetry even a fifth as much as they hype novels, they'd sell tons more of it.

And, you know, as for Clive: you're just too cute! He's probably just shy.

RM: A quality hardback, priced reasonably at £12.99, it's a book would look good beneath any tree this Christmas. But enough about 'Fathers and Sons'... How do you go about writing a poem? Are you like Anthony Burgess' 'Enderby', suddenly struck by strange but interesting phrases? Or are you more methodical in your approach?

The French poet Mallarmé said (to Edgar Degas, in fact, who had told him, as people are so prone to do, that he 'had an idea for a poem') that 'poems are made of words, not ideas'.

I've found that most of the time the most successful poems start with a word, or phrase, or group of sounds. Failing that, the best way is if you have something you just want to tell. Then it's like, 'just put it down'. Some poems come out all at once and virtually never get touched again - 'To My Next Lover' was like that. But some take ages of tinkering. Cosi Fan Tutte went through loads of versions, both rhymed and unrhymed, over more than a year, but when it clicked into place I just knew it - and it was finished very quickly after that.

I know a line of Mallarmé, you know. It goes: 'Le vierge, le vivace et le bel aujourd'hui'. You know what those are, don't you. Words.

RM: And German words, if I'm not mistaken...

I was very moved by the poem, 'To My Next Lover'. What exactly do you think of Bill Oddie and do you think poets are naturally more romantic than normal folk?


KEB: Well, I heard Bill writes poems in his spare time: his frank and unambiguous boulevardier sestina, 'Birdwatching', was a particular favourite of mine.

I think poets are less romantic than normal folk. I never had less interest from blokes in my life than when I was hanging around with the poets the whole time.

RM: 'If music be the food of love, de dum, de dum, de dum.' Nobody can forget those immortal lines by Shakespeare. But if you were to be remembered for one line from this collection, what would that line be? I know that my favourite line from 'Fathers and Son's' read: '£18.99 RRP'.

KEB: Hmm. I think the line, "Sorry, I'm all over the place - I didn't sleep too well," sums up an awful lot of my life philosophy in only 11 short everyday words. Well, they're everyday to me. I asked my boyfriend to pick one and that's the one he picked.

RM: Some of the best poetry has come out of great adversity such as personal tragedy or war. Do you think a war would help modern poetry and do you agree that it would be a small price to pay?

Dick, we paid the price with Ezra Pound. We paid for 'The Cantos' in the currency of fascist radio broadcasts, and Ez never learned his lesson, because he got off on an insanity clause. (Hey - it's Christmas.)

I think that another war might not help poetry, anyway, because that phenomenon - the War Poets - was a particular thing - one of those moments wheh something unusual is forced through. I do think that extremis forces the poetry - I mean 'forces' in the greenhouse sense. So any cultural crisis would probably incline to create a flurry of poetry.

It wold be refreshing to have some more public poetry being written - British poetry right now seems a little bit navel-gazing.

RM: One cliché of postmodernist thought is that of form or, more specifically, anti-form. Yet poetry always retains some semblance of order. Wallace Stevens wrote terrifyingly complicated verse yet the cadences of the line have a natural flow to them, mainly due to the elegance of his caesura, which are always apparent to the reader. As poetry increasingly relies upon the ear to decipher its structure, is there a problem ensuring that poetry remains poetry? In other words, is Pam Ayres the best poet of our generation or should that honour go to John Hegley?

KEB: Well, poetry is about order. Because it's about words, and language is an ordering system which we use to understand the world. Poetry should never really be just about self-expression, and this is where Stephen Fry and I come together (as it were) as one. The best poetry is that in which the words begin to operate in some way independent of mere meaning, so that other parts of the brain are brought in to deal with what's going on. Pattern - whether just the shape of the stanzas or a repeating word or sound (like rhyme, or alliteration, or assonance), interesting or lovely sounds, double meanings, quotes and allusions, wordplay like puns, all contribute to the sensation of a good poem somehow going deeper than prose. And that's even before you get to what the poem's saying!

Wallace Stevens is possibly the greatest American poet of the twentieth century.

Clearly it's me, Dick. I'm just misunderstood.

RM: I know the feeling, Katy. I know it only too well.

Well, listen, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on my blog. We have to leave it there so I can catch my bus. The book, 'Me and The Dead', is available in all good bookshops and online. I hope that everybody looks out for it when they're out buying their copies of 'Fathers and Sons'. I wish you the best for it and for the future. Judy said only this morning that your poetry has changed her life and that she'll never look on blond trumpeters the same again.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Lord Richard Gordon Madeley: Poet


There once was a man from Merton,
Who only ate salads with stilton,
He liked pickles of course,
With lots of brown sauce,
And got pretty excited by mutton.

Utterly useless! It was no good. That was my tenth attempt at writing a limerick and I’d failed miserably. I had gone to bed the previous night thinking myself the next Edward Lear but in the revealing light of Sunday morning, I realised that I was no better than a freckle-faced Pam Ayers, aged about 7 and already rhyming ‘duck’ with silence and guilty looks towards her friends.

I still don’t know how I managed to reach the point at which I had come to realise that I have no skill with rhymes. All I do know is that an email pinged into my inbox early on Saturday night. It was from Sir Clive James, who was finally responding to the letter of thanks I'd sent him some weeks ago. After he'd finished praising my blog and telling me a witty anecdote about Michael Aspel, a keg of beer and a length of rubber tubing, he asked me to ring him at my convenience.

‘Hello, Sir Clive?’ I asked, seconds later.

‘Hello there, Dick. You got my email then.’

His voice was a rumble on the other end of the line. It made my chair vibrate and people living in a five mile radius were undoubtedly becoming sexually excited for no apparent reason.

‘I did get your email and very intriguing it was too,’ I said.

‘I meant it to be,’ breathed Sir Clive. ‘I don’t always write my emails in verse but I wanted to entice you, Dick. I have plans and they involve you.’

‘Me? In your plans?’

‘After I finish my Edinburgh show, I’m editing a volume of verse and I’d like you to be involved.’

Now my own excitement became sexual and I begin to perspire. ‘Me? Involved in a book of verse with you, Sir Clive? I’d be absolutely delighted. You probably know that I’m an unpublished but prolific poet. I once wrote you a sonnet sequence that you might be interested in reading. There’s only 157 of them but that’s three more than Shakespeare wrote to his Dark Lady... But you don’t have to worry about my embarrassing you. I only ever refer to you as my Bald Australian Essayist and Critic.’

‘Hold you horses, Dick,’ said Sir Clive. ‘You haven’t heard my plan yet. All my friends are contributing to the volume. I’m asking each of you to take a verse form and then write me half a dozen poems in that form. The only exception is Stephen Fry who is writing me one long epic poem in rhyming Alexandrines.’

‘So you’re saying that I can’t write you some sonnets?’

‘Selina Scott is writing me some sonnets,’ said Sir Clive. ‘I want you to take charge of the limerick.’

‘The limerick?’ I cried. ‘I’m a rondeau man at the very least. Or give me the chance to write a satire in verse. Have you read my 170 line "Epistle to Jeremy Paxman on the State of His Sock Drawer"?’

‘Unfortunately, I have,’ murmured Sir Clive, ‘which is why I’d like you to take the limerick.’

‘But that’s the least important verse form that there is! Did Wallace Stevens ever write limericks? T.S. Eliot? The great Percy Bysshe or George Gordon?’ I protested. ‘Some might even consider it doggerel. No, with all respect, Sir Clive, I think you’ll find that I’m more suited to representing the poems of the great Augustan writers. Who have you asked to be the modern day Alexander Pope?’

‘Russell Brand,’ said Clive. He couldn’t have bloodied his knuckles any more had he plucked out the knife he’d stuck into my liver and inserted his hand into the open wound.

I hung up mortified.

‘I can’t write limericks,’ I said to Judy as I wandered into the kitchen. She just shrugged and carried on putting up shelves.

With the sound of her power drill hitting a burnt brick, I sloped off back to my study where I sat myself down at the desk and began to scribble limericks. As any artist will tell you, beginning is the most difficult part of the act of composition. Finding your way into words isn’t half as difficult as finding a topic that merits action. I just threw ideas on the page, trying not to censor myself but wanting to explore the deep creative recesses of my mind.

There’s a London cabbie called Fry
Whose wit is surprisingly dry,
He’s always up for a jape,
Wears a green velvet cape,
And hosts a popular show called QI.

Terrible but worse was to come...

There once was a lady called Vanessa,
Whose cleavage was delightfully immense-a,
One day on the show,
She bent over low,
And I saw her knees through her crevasse-a.

No. No. No. And No.

There once was a man called Bill Oddie,
Whose sense of style was quite shoddy,
He’d mixed red with green,
In a Hawaiian gabardine,
And hung duck calls all over his body.

After a eight or nine more examples, I finally penned my limerick about the man from Merton. It didn’t please me but this was after nearly five hours work so I went off to see if Judy had finished with her shelves. I found her sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coffee fortified with rum.

‘Have a look at my limericks and tell me what you think,’ I said, handing her my pages of third-rate Lear.

'You’ve been looking down Vanessa’s dress again, haven’t your Richard?’ she asked, five minutes later.

‘Not really,’ I replied. ‘Sometimes I can’t help it. She seems to fill the room.’

‘More like she fills your eyeballs,’ said Judy throwing the pages of hard won rhymes to the table and grabbing a pen. ‘You can’t send any of these to Clive James. He’ll think there’s something wrong with you. Here...’ She turned a page over and scribbled on the back for all of ten seconds. ‘There,’ she said. ‘Give that to your “Sir Clive” and tell him that it's a Judy original. Let him put that in his book.’

I looked at the page.

There once was a man called Madeley
Whose poems were written quite badly,
It made his wife so insane
She'd rather unblock the drain,
Lest she plucked out her own eyes, quite gladly.

And with that she disappeared into the back garden.

The sound of a suction pump soon filled the morning silence and Judy appeared from the shed carrying her set of drain rods.

As I sat amid the scattered debris of my poetry career, I felt quite blessed that I had a woman like Judy who would help me recover. I don’t know where I’d be without her, at times. I certainly don’t know what kind of a state the drains would be in. They’d been blocked since I’d eaten a second helping of Mrs. Corbett’s rice pudding last week.

And that was it! It was like a door had been opened in my brain and light flooded the place where inspiration, that emancipated wretch, had been lying in heavily whiskered filth in the middle of its once dark cell. Inspiration blinked a few times and then rose to his feet. Suddenly moved by a real subject, the pen danced in my fingertips. I looked down and saw the following words, written in indelible ink on the white work surface.

There once was a woman called Judy
Who saw unblocking drains as a duty,
What clogged them, I bet:
Rice Pudding Corbett,
Which I sent down the loo last Tuesday.

And that, my friends, is how art happens! Magical. Other worldly. Like a gift sent down by heaven and given its own show on ITV. And what’s more, it would make Sir Clive James so very happy.

Beat that, Stephen Fry!

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

A Brief Diatribe About Art

I am at my most human when it’s late at night and I begin to feel sorry for myself. Which is why I have to beg your forgiveness for my last pitiful excuse for a post. As somebody recently told me, I simply have to try harder. Even a year into this blogging exercise, my fingers still haven’t found the pulse of you, my deeply intelligent and selective audience. I’ve failed to understand what makes any of you come back. Clearly, Hughie Green is far from the top of that list.

Judy often tells me that I should abandon my light-hearted attempts at biography. In her opinion, I should join in with the greater fraternity of bloggers dealing with the important issues of the day.

Gordon Brown arrived at the G8 summit with some hard words for world leaders. Robert Mugabe remains in power in Zimbabwe and it’s clear that South African president Thabo Mbeki is not providing the kind of leadership that Africa needs at this present moment. Clearly Brown is... is...

Nope. Sorry. Can’t keep that going. It’s a ‘will to live’ thing. I keep losing it.

But that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. I can be horrendously temperamental when I’m writing and my mood was made doubly bad last night because I had spent a couple of hours browsing the web to research a book I’m trying to finish.

As you know, I’m a man of many talents. There may be books coming out from the Richard&Judy stable written by real writers, but I like to keep plodding along doing my own unprofitable thing. My autobiography is coming along well and I also have a novel which is very slowly amassing chapters. A theme of that novel is contemporary art and my recent browsing habits have been restricted to sites dedicated to promoting the arts in the UK.

It was while I was going through an Arts Council website last night, that I found footage of some nameless old colleagues of mine who happen to work in a field tangential to my own. Neither of them are particularly creative but they are both fanatical about commentating on the work of others. You might describe them as ‘critics’. Different national bodies seem to always send funds their way from for projects they initiate. They are both themselves in charge of some additional funds, or know the people who control those funds, which they can also ‘tap into’ to help promote their cockeyed schemes, meant to promote the arts but only really functioning as a rather squalid form of social work.

The footage was part of a current scheme they are running and was advertised as a celebration of the work of a well known artist. Basically, it was a five minute video of my friends enjoying themselves on a recent holiday in Spain. They looked out over the Med, made a few comments about the artist, and then shared a bottle of wine. While I’m pretty sure that the holiday would have been paid for out of their own pockets, those pockets are filled by their work promoting the arts.

I couldn’t help but feel a little piqued.

Maybe it was always so but we seem to be living at a point in our cultural development when we have some very fundamental problems with art. Government policy is generally to throw money at projects that are either sickeningly contemporary or involve the regeneration of our inner cities. Money goes into youth projects in urban settings. Graffiti is encouraged while the fine arts are diminished.

Naturally, I have a vested interest as I know friends who are comic novelists on the breadline while ‘socially aware’ poets get funds to travel around to schools and talk to children about ‘issues’. A recent visitor to a local school charged £500 for the day. I don’t begrudge any writer money, from whatever the source, but I do find it frustrating that the only people to really succeed in the current climate seem to be social workers and critics. And I suppose that’s why I was feeling so utterly dispirited last night and this morning. My two friends, the critics, sit enjoying their sangria on the beach while I’m still facing another long day at the keyboard.

I’m off to write something more uplifting to cheer us all up.

Back soon.

Friday, 28 December 2007

Best of the Web

After I had unnaturally manipulated the fates by spilling a chicken’s innards over a prostrate Anne Diamond, The Guardian was forced to unwittingly choose my piece on ‘The Trouble With Dames’ as one of its ‘best of the blogs’ items for today. It accounts for all the new visitors and a disturbing rise in the number of people who want me to stop blogging.

Ten percent Thirteen percent Sixteen percent of my visitors now seem to think that The Richard Madeley Appreciation Society is a bad thing. I’m astonished by this figure almost as much as I’m astounded that not one of you have asked me to write more of my award-winning poetry. It’s as though my ‘Mock Heroic Epistle to Jeremy Paxman on the State of His Sock Drawer’ doesn’t exist. All I can say is that you won’t get another if you ignore my poetic genius in this callous way. Stephen Fry need only rhyme ‘chesty wheeze’ with ‘striptease’ and he’s in line to become the next poet laureate. And the less I say about Pam Ayres the better. Do we really need another comic poem about a painful pimple on a dairymaid’s buttocks? I think not.

Taken as an indication of the British public’s tastes, I think ten percent thirteen percent sixteen percent is a rather worrying figure. Would they prefer it if I wrote about politics or sport? Do they want more details about my daily life, what kind of cheese I prefer, and which of my relatives is suffering from a prolapsed elbow? What, in other words, am I doing wrong?

Thursday, 15 November 2007

Richard’s Poem To The Googlebot Spider

Dear Googlebot, my friend, my one true reader,
How did you find your way, from whence did you wonder?
Where are you going now that you’ve seen my little jape,
About Bill Oddie’s onions and Stephen Fry’s cape?
And now you know all about little Judith Charmers,
That she’s psychic, four foot two, and recommends the Bahamas.
Googie, I think that there’s only you and I
And by writing this piece, I’m wasting my time.
You are but a robot, a piece of electronic kit
And have no idea of succulent English wit.
Yet you are quite welcome, I’m so glad you’re here
More than bloody exiled Brits from Tunisia.

© Richard Madeley, 2007

Thursday, 1 November 2007

Stephen Fry Poem Attracts Fry Fanatics, Cultists, and Imposters

Exciting news, guys. Last night’s fiendishly clever poem I wrote for Stephen Fry has resulted in not one but two requests from other celebrities whose names I’ve mentioned in passing on this blog and who now want to be commemorated in the same unique way. That's right. I'm now official poet to the stars and you'll read all my latest compositions here on my official blog.

I was really, really flattered that Bill Bryson emailed me to ask if I could pen a sequence of sonnets in his honour (I’m working on them Bill). And I’m only a little less flattered by Jeremy Paxman’s request for a nine hundred line mock-heroic epistle set in the murky world of his sock drawer. I can only assure him that I will get around to it in good time. I’m a simple man with simple wants. Give me a biro and a sheet of paper and I can knock this stuff out, a page an hour. I don’t know how the great poets did it, but I'd be surprised if it was any different. Paxman should be satisfied with that.

Yet yesterday’s display of my poetic gifts has not been a total success. It has led me to stumble into murky water of unknown depths. I have today been contacted by dozens of members of The Priory of Fry, a secretive cult of Stephen Fry worshippers. Members from across the globe have been attracted to my blog by this week’s unusual level of Stephen Fry related activity. What began as a few small anecdotes about my private life has turned this site into the world’s foremost place for Fry cultists to gather. They’ve been hitting the site all day, with many of them reloading the page forty or fifty times per hour. I have lost count of the number of emails I have received that only contain the word 'Baaah'.

The cult’s mysterious leader, Mrs. Janine Rogers of 43 Pringle Row, Glasgow, emailed me around 2pm to ask if I would write more poems in praise of Mr. Fry and if she can include them in a volume of celebratory verse she’s putting together for publication in the New Year. Initially, I said 'yes' but I’m beginning to think that Mrs. Roger’s threat, involving cultists molesting me with an oddly shaped ceremonial parsnip, may have swayed my decision.

So now, after consultation with Judy, I’ve changed my mind. I will make no special case for Fry and his many followers. He can stand in line behind Bryson and Paxman, who aren't without acolytes of their own. Tomorrow, normal service will be resumed on this blog and any cultists found loitering here will be dealt with in the severest manner.

This blog celebrates only one man. It recognises only one god. And the name of that god begins with a 'Richard' and it ends, most firmly, with a ‘Madeley’.

Good day.

Richard Madeley's Poem To His Blog's Latest Visitor, Mr. Stephen Fry

The Ode Best Left Untravelled

I saw you, you bugger, thinking you’d be
Just an anonymous surfer from across the sea.
But my blog has few hits, Mr. Stephen Fry,
So you could hardly pass by this eager old eye.
But I’m glad that you came, for now you may see
A person unlocked by your book on poetry.
I followed your rules and on page ninety three,
Learned diddly dum and diddly dee,
Metrical whatsits, iambs, and meter,
Which I’m using here. Block storage heater…
Have you guessed I haven’t worked out the rhymes,
What to stress or even when to enjamb my lines?
I should really have chosen to write this in free
Verse. Oh, now this line’s running awkwardly.
Goddamn it! A pure rhyme. It’s getting no better,
And now I need something random like ‘red setter’.
That’s just lousy, I’m like the new Colly Cibber,
The poetic equivalent of poor old Fred Dibnah.
Mr. Fry, you were a fine blog statistic,
Then you weren’t, I’d missed you, it’s bleeding sadistic.
You’re a swine, a rotter, a cowardly cad,
You wonder how I know? I’m nearly as bad.
Or perhaps you smiled and reached for the phone,
And intend to sue me as soon as you’re home.
Don’t try, please not until I’ve told you the tale,
Of when I was viciously fondled by Alexi Sayle.
So, like a part-nibbled herring, here I shall wait,
For you to come finish what’s left on your plate.
You were here, for a while, but now you are gone.
How do I end? With bugger! And diddly dum.

© Richard Madeley, 2007