Poll News

Come on guys! My poll has less than sixty days left to run and I’ve got a consignment of Afghan merkins due in from Kabul in three weeks time. I really don’t want to send them back. Have you ever tried to return an Afghan merkin? I don’t think you understand the difficulties you’re all giving me.

The other reason I want you to reconsider your vote is that, to be honest, the supplies of house-trained dwarf helpers are not what they used to be. I blame Hollywood filling their heads with ideas of stardom. Once a midget has seen the inside of an Ewok suit, they really don’t want to go back bringing you your slippers and sharpening your favourite crossword pencil.

If you allow me to influence you at this late stage, I’d like to also say a few words about the tins of prunes. My previous prune offer was a great success. I posted twenty seven cans to different people around the UK and I hope they received them undamaged. Admittedly, my bank balance took a larger hit on the postage. A tin of prunes is expensive to send by registered first class but it was the cost of the bubble wrap that really made things difficult.

So, in summary: forget the midgets and the prunes. Peeled monkey nuts are a good alternative but, if we are really sensible about this, I think we’re talking Afghan merkins.