Forgive me. I’m listing a little to starboard tonight. An exhausting day at the hospital followed last night’s late trip home from Manchester where I enjoyed a meal with the crew from the production company. Not that I drank a thing given my duties this afternoon. In fact, my not drinking was possibly the talking point of the evening.
‘I don’t drink,’ I explained as I sat behind my tall glass of juice in a bar in central Manchester.
The crowd went silent, shuffled uneasily on their stools. A few looked to the ceiling and began to pom pom their way through some Benjamin Britten. Then, when the pom poms ran out and the silence became too much, Desperation elbowed its way for a seat at the table.
‘I think we need to get you a few sins,’ said one of the braver members of the production crew. I believe it was the director.
‘Oh, don’t worry about Richard,’ said my producer and the man I owe for this current gig. ‘Richard will have plenty of sins. I bet he’s the type of chap who likes to have bulldog clips attached to his nether regions.’
Bulldog clips?
This afternoon, I spent a quiet couple of hours sitting at a bedside beside a sleeping patient, reading my Wodehouse and otherwise pondering this strange statement. To be quite open about it: I’ve never had a single sexual thought about a bulldog clip in my life. Trips to Ryman The Stationer have never been carnal delights. I’m beginning to wonder what I’m missing given that there is no aspect of the bulldog clip that excites me in the slightest. Are there bulldog clip fetishists out there, holding bulldog clip parties? Do bulldog clips even have a single innocent usage? I know I’ve never bought one and, at the moment, I can’t think of reasons to do so.
5 comments:
Jamie Oliver revealed to Jonathon Ross tonight that you and Judy once cooked for him. A good subject for a future post, perhaps? Accusations of "fruity language" were also made by Jamie. I was surprised; any tendency to resort to coarse vulgarisms has been well concealed by the witty prose in evidence here Richard!
Thanks Joey. But you know, Jamie only says that because he's a ******* **** and should know when to keep his ******** ******* ****** unless I ****** tell you ***** and he did that with three midgets!
(**** this blog censorship from concealing my true nature.)
Oooh, midget sex. Do tell! I wonder if they used Bulldog clips too?
I don't think I have ever seen that type of clip used in, um, an entertaining way but I have seen lots of different types of clips clipped to lots of different things not found at the office supply store. People will do some pretty strange stuff.
It seems to me that this is a 'he who smelt it, dealt it' scenario. I would suggest avoiding any bulldog clips owned by the producer. Quite obviously this is a man who has intimate and lascivious knowledge of alternative uses for his stationery when combined with his nether regions.
Barbara, we've clearly led too sheltered a life to have witnessed the misuse of bulldog clips. And I doubt if a midget would use a bulldog clip. The effects might be lethal. Unless, of course, they have smaller bulldog clips. Poodle clips, perhaps?
Welsh Girl, I hadn't thought about it like that but I suddenly feel a little uneasy about my involvement in 'Eye of the Storm'. I always thought there was a strange odour coming from the stationary cupboard and now I know...
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