Wednesday 15 October 2008

My First Executive Orders

Minutes into my second day as Richard Nixon it became apparent that the country was crying out for a series of measures to solve some of the problems brought about by mismanagement. This is why I’m issuing the following Executive Orders. Not only do they offer you a taste of things to come but they are the kind of governance you voted for. And there’s not a thing here that people who voted for George McGovern would criticise.

All men who work two days a week in Manchester will be elevated to the peerage.

Anybody caught tucking a trouser into a sock will face a £50 fine unless they are in possess of a bicycle. Coincidentally, anybody caught trousering a sock will face a £1000 fine. My administration will be tough on all sock crime.

The word ‘carvery’ is now banned from our roadsides. Call me irrational but I really do dislike the word.

All dancers must apply for official permits to tap.

Bus travel will be made free for all who pass our new cleanliness tests.

Companies that make handsome laptops will be encouraged to donate free machines to handsome bloggers with identity problems.

Richard Stilgoe is to write a new national anthem which will include the word ‘debonair’.

Facelifts are now banned from the BBC.

Clive James will become the new head of the BBC and the license fee will be reduced if you can quote Milton.

Jonathan Ross is to be demoted to caretaker in the BBC canteen but he will be given a new mop worth no less than £17.

Thorntons take note. The word ‘chocolatier’ will now be spelt ‘chocolateer’.

There must be a unified cartridge across all makes and models of inkjet printers.
Road widening schemes are to be scrapped in favour of a new programme of car narrowing.

And in our first wave of forced emigration to the Isle of Wight will be limited to anybody who has ever sang or dance in an advertisement for the Halifax.

18 comments:

Unknown said...

You had me at debonair

katyboo1 said...

You're in. It's a hit.

Selena Dreamy said...

"Road widening schemes are to be scrapped in favour of a new programme of car narrowing."

...may I suggest a decree that all cars should run on water, as of Nov 1st!

(just think if the fuel we'd save)

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

Selena, a brilliant scheme with no obvious flaws. I'm putting you in charge of transport and, with such a promising talent in my cabinet, Kissinger better start putting more hours in or I'll be giving you his job. Do you speak Chinese?

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

Alexandra, you have me at 'you had me'.

Katy, I've always seen myself as a political heavyweight, so it's reassuring to know that others see me that way too.

percy stilton said...

You forgot to tell them about the All-Bran Dick.

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

I'll be addressing the nation about the All-Bran, Percy.

percy stilton said...

....and don't forget to tell The People about the compulsory colonic irrigation scheme while you're at it Dick...A clean nation is a healthy nation. Now how about appointing me your Minister of Health & Hygiene?
May I also make a suggestion to Selena....why not run all our cars on the methane emissions generated from the All-Bran initiative.

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

This is called joined up government, Percy, and, for that, I'm making you my Secretary of the Interior.

percy stilton said...

I'll trust your experience on this one ....In Dick We Trust.
Do a pair of military grade rubber gloves & gas mask come with this secraterial appointment President Dick ?

Anonymous said...

Just what we needed!

okbye said...

Hey, I like Jonathon Ross. If you guys don't want him I'll take him.

Selena Dreamy said...

"Do you speak Chinese?

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Unknown said...

Watch out Richard, that pesky Frost is back!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/video/2008/oct/16/frost-nixon-uk-premiere

Lola said...

I'd like the Health portfolio, if that's OK. I've been doing lots of immunology, metabolism and endocrinology this term.

If I can't have Health, could I possible be appointed to Spelling? I've a thing or two to say about apostrophes, and semi-colons definitely need some serious legislation. Unless that's Percy's Department?

Anonymous said...

Lola

Lola said...

Yes?

okbye said...

Lo Lo Lo Lo Lola