Friday 8 February 2008

A Dennis Update

This morning's early rise had done nothing for my mood and I had hoped to catch a bit of shut eye this afternoon before I recorded tonight's show. The last thing I wanted to do was spend my time pondering whether on not to give Dennis his notice. Of course, he did the usual craven things to stay in my employ. He fell on his knees and begged me to let him keep his job. His one hand clawed ineffectually at my trouser leg as I walked away but I was not going to be swayed. If there's one subject in the world that is sure to get my temper up it's the subject of Castro and Cuba. Second to that is darts. It's a pernicious evil that threatens to reintroduce bad shirts and jewellery for fat men.

Now that I'm home and I've read your appeals on Dennis's behalf, I've changed my mind. I'll ask Dr. Raj to have a word with him and disillusion him about Peter 'The Hedgehog' Manley and Phil 'The Power' Taylor. After all, the unfortunate introduction of darts into this blog was partly my fault. Richard 'The Master' Madeley shouldn't have promoted Dennis so rapidly through the ranks. There were others who could have filled in for me today. I could have called in a favour from Jeremy 'The Rocket' Clarkson and had him write me something. I could even have pressed Martin 'The Professor' Amis into producing a small piece to make up for spelling Lola's name wrong in the interview I published earlier this week.

So, those of you who supported Dennis can rest easy tonight knowing that you've saved a one-armed man from the unemployment queue. Naturally, I would have replaced him with somebody with two hands, so, in terms of limbs, you've stood in the way of a real world decrease in the number of idle hands. You might want to think about that the next time you take the side of a man who whispers whenever he mentions Jockie Wilson's name.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You know, the bigger punishment is probably keeping him on and subjecting him to Mutley on a regular basis.

JayBee said...

Next time go for a PA who has suffered more severely at the "hands" of a shark - if you know what I mean - and you won't have to bother about him playing darts or falling "on his knees and begg(ing) me to let him keep his job. His one hand claw(ing) ineffectually at my trouser leg as I walked away"

Lola said...

Good, you're keeping Dennis on (although with his talent I'm sure he wouldn't have struggled to find alternative employment). Keep that Amis bloke away, though, I can't trust a man who doesn't pay attention to the details. He wouldn't like it if I referred to him as Amos.

Anonymous said...

Hm actually I was an assistant to a female version of our chum Richard... I kid you not... although her bits and bobs were well contained and she was not prone to getting pissed and then allowing Stephen Fry to shave her head... not for the lack of trying on my part mind you :)
It took me about a week to realize they need 2 things a) a stern hand and b) a bit of scorn... unfamiliar concepts to them :)
Sure she still did chase me round the office with her fur coat (I abhor fur) but other then that she was a kitty puss :)
Even after I left she would call me from time to time demanding to be rude to her...