Saturday 22 December 2007

Preparing To Do Some Serious Elf Harm

It’s now late Friday night and I’m sitting here feeling quite perplexed as to why Cactus TV have failed to send me their Christmas greetings. At the very least, I thought I’d be invited to their Christmas party tonight. They forget me each year, yet here I’ve sat, all night, dressed as a Christmas elf packing a bottle of Blue Nun. I suppose their party is now drawing to an inebriated close with Dr. Raj’s doing his Britney Spears impression with a couple of finger rolls.

I'm also perplexed by the first results of the new poll. Only two votes are encouraging me to write my autobiography, nobody has requested more of my celebrated poetry, and one of you have suggested that I should give up blogging. The only consolation is that the majority of you feel that 2008 will be a year of celebrity nuptials.

Such disappointments perhaps accounts for why I’m posting something brief tonight. But it’s not the only reason. ‘Operation Elbow ’goes into operation at eight o’clock tomorrow morning. Judy and I are already girding ourselves for a lighting raid on London’s shops to finalise the Christmas gifts. We’ll be first through the doors when the stores open at nine and we should hopefully be home before the crowds descend. It leaves me with this brief window of opportunity to ask you all what you want. Get your requests in now and I’ll see what we can do. There aren’t many of you, so I’m looking to spend no more than a couple of hundred pounds on each of you.

If you're lost for ideas, why not ask me for an electronic toothbrush or the new Charlie Brown DVD?

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I fear you still may be engulfed by shoppers in the morning. Might I suggest some walkie talkies with military spec neck microphones to 1) save on phone bills while keeping hands-free and 2) co-ordinate an SAS-worthy assault on the shops before the herds of Christmas shoppers descend on your location.

Alas, I think the priceless gift of knowledge is something we should all be asking for this Christmas, but let's not trouble you with that burden.

I, like many of my friends, rarely ask for much when birthdays and Christmas come around - this does make buying presents terribly difficult - so more 'personal' gifts are always sought out. Sadly, a Mac Pro with two 30" monitors is slightly above the £100 limit so I shall have to make do with coal this year.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit ever since I have slammed someone with a bag full of books I have purchased as gifts a few years ago, I have steered clear from the last minute Christmas shopping (for someone relatively small I pack a mean punch :)
That particular excursion ended in a nearby bar when my friend and I had a few drinks for the sole medical purpose of calming our nerves...
Since then no shopping at the last minute because I like my sanity plus I am a pacifist... :)
Now baking that I still have to do thats another story altogether... since I am physically incapable of making just one cake and buying the rest, by the end of the day I'm so tired/covered in flour/with a visible pong around my persona it is quite unseemly... I plan to start today... and be done by tomorrow... wish me luck :)
Richard I do hope you and your wife do not hit too many elves, but if you do aim either for the head or below the navel, that makes them back away pretty damn sharpish :)

Anonymous said...

Dick, I would like Peace & Goodwill to all for Christmas but fear you won't find any on your shopping trip.Be careful out there, Kill an elf for me.
Merry Christmas

Misssy M said...

Richard- Do you really want to go with the flow and be yet another celeb who writes an autobiography that ends up in the bargain bin come Christmas Eve. Have a look at the Richard Hammond one when you're out and about- he nearly died then wrote about it and he's still facing the pulper come Jan/2008.

Spare yourself the humiliation and write a coffee table book about keeping your sex life alive in the autumn years of marriage...or something.

And as for the present...surprise me!

lee said...

I would like an agapanthus to put with the other one. Or even a shovel.What else? Michael Palin.The yapping **** of a dog next door to die in the night (it deserves to).Good health. That's about it :).

Selena Dreamy said...

I’ve always believed it’s the thought that counts. But since I am still a prisoner held on a charge of breaching the peace, I’m in the mood for a present. So will you please speed to Holloway in a motorcade led by police vehicles with lights flashing and bail me out....?

Anonymous said...

It is very kind of you to offer a present and I would normally decline as I have not known you long, and I would not wish to form an 'inappropriate' relationship with you on which you may presume... however, I have posted a list of desired gifts on my blog...

also I am very fond of Crystallized Fruit..